February, 2007

  1. Oh, excellent.

    February 20, 2007 by admin

    Conversational highlights of the day include my mother telling me that it doesn’t matter if some people think that the boy I have a crush on looks like a potato because I look like one too, so we would match; and me asking various family members whether or not I look like Marcel Marceau because I accidentally bought foundation in Classic Ivory rather than Light Beige. (Verdict: No, Alexandra, you do not look like Marcel Marceau. Not even when you stand under the lamp. So don’t worry.)

    I am also pleased to report that my choir dress from high school still fits. This would be wonderful news if the dress in question wasn’t made of yards and yards of green taffeta and styled somewhat medievally due to my late-teen-years obsession with King Arthur. As it is, if anyone ever needs to dress up as a shiny Arthurian Christmas tree, I’ve got your dress.

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  2. Dearest everyone,

    February 20, 2007 by admin

    I just would like you all to know that I have booked a guided tour of the Paramount Studios lot for next Wednesday. So, what this means is that I won’t be in masterclass that day. Or boring stupid seminar class. Or Clytemnestra class, although I actually like that one a bit, so I’m sorry to be missing it, but not that sorry. Um, that’s all. Have fun at school, guys.

    Love,

    Alexandra

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  3. Dear Horrible Old Woman at the Bus Stop,

    February 18, 2007 by admin

    Actually, the reason I refused to help you light your cigarette is not because I am a “fucking selfish asshole who only cares about themselves,” but, rather, was for the following reasons:

    1. It is against the law (and also very inconsiderate) to smoke in a bus shelter.

    2. You were hooked up to an oxygen tank, and fire tends to make those explode.

    3. I only like explosions when they are in movies, not when they are in bus shelters in which I am standing (possible headline: “Bright, promising student killed to death in bus shelter explosion; horrible old woman emerges unscathed, lives to age 127.”)

    4. I don’t actually know how to operate a bic lighter without burning my fingers off.

    5. You were particularly horrible and unpleasant to the other person in the bus shelter because they couldn’t understand English. (I think that it is also probable that they just couldn’t understand what you were trying to communicate to them because all you were doing was yelling “fuck fuck fuck” at them.)

    I hope that you die alone and that nobody comes to your funeral,

    Alexandra

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  4. Dear Hugh Grant,

    February 15, 2007 by admin

    That was amazing. I forgive you for your sex scandal and also for being Daniel Cleaver. I’m really glad they made an entire movie out of your dance in Love, Actually. Really glad. What’s going to happen when you die and there is no silly British dancing man to infinitely amuse me anymore? I will be so, so, sad, that’s what will happen. Hopefully you are robust enough to survive to upcoming flu pandemic.

    Yours,

    Alexandra

    PS: Your full name is Hugh John Mungo Grant. I just wanted to remind you of that, and tell everybody else.

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  5. Like Handel, only funnier and not as good.

    February 13, 2007 by admin

    There are two kinds of days:

    There are days that are terrible and make you want to throw yourelf off of a bridge out of sheer woebegoneness, and then there are days when you find out that Eric Idle, the world’s most attractive unnattractive man, has written an oratorio that is premiering in Toronto at a stupidly-named arts festival this summer. Those are my kind of days.

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  6. Did you know that it is possible to have a course about food and feminism and the body and not talk about fatness at all?

    February 12, 2007 by admin

    Apparently it is.

    Some fat girls are feeling slightly alienated.

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  7. Dear Santa,

    February 4, 2007 by admin

    I know, I know, wrong occaision. But you didn’t hear from me at Christmas, so, whatever.

    Here is what I would like for my birthday:

    1. Thurston Moore‘s undying love. The interview with him and Kim in this month’s Bust makes my heart go pitter-pat. Especially the part about how they would just hold hands and walk all around downtown New York. Sigh.

    2. Failing that, Sean Cullen‘s undying love. He did, after all, write a book called Hamish X and the Cheese Pirates (Best book ever, by the way), and has been known to make statements about giant kielbassas being hurricanes of meat. Match made in heaven? Why, yes!

    3. Replacements for my dearly departed broken DVD player and my dearly departed lost MP3 player.

    4. A new haircut. My current assymetrical-a-go-go look is getting tired and is taking forever to grow out.

    5. A session with a professional photographer so that I can get pin-up shots taken.

    6. A one night stand with Jake Gyllenhaal or similar when I am in L.A.

    7. The request for a unicorn still stands. Dude, I’ve been asking for one since I was eight. What gives?

    Love,

    Alexandra

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  8. And my new grandma, Bea Arthur

    February 2, 2007 by admin

    The best thing about potentially going to school in California is that maybe the sun will stop me from being sad all the time for no reason.

    And, also, if I get a scholarship to UCLA, since it’s a state school, they get funding from the state, so I could technically say that Arnold Schwarzenegger is paying for my doctorate, if I wanted to look at it that way, and naturally, I do.

    (I may as well spill the beans: UCLA emailed – I’m one of their top candidates, so they’re flying me down to visit the campus! Fuck you, February!)

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