Conversational highlights of the day include my mother telling me that it doesn’t matter if some people think that the boy I have a crush on looks like a potato because I look like one too, so we would match; and me asking various family members whether or not I look like Marcel Marceau because [...]

Actually, the reason I refused to help you light your cigarette is not because I am a “fucking selfish asshole who only cares about themselves,” but, rather, was for the following reasons: 1. It is against the law (and also very inconsiderate) to smoke in a bus shelter. 2. You were hooked up to an [...]

There are two kinds of days: There are days that are terrible and make you want to throw yourelf off of a bridge out of sheer woebegoneness, and then there are days when you find out that Eric Idle, the world’s most attractive unnattractive man, has written an oratorio that is premiering in Toronto at [...]

I know, I know, wrong occaision. But you didn’t hear from me at Christmas, so, whatever. Here is what I would like for my birthday: 1. Thurston Moore‘s undying love. The interview with him and Kim in this month’s Bust makes my heart go pitter-pat. Especially the part about how they would just hold hands [...]