Dear Horrible Old Woman at the Bus Stop,

Actually, the reason I refused to help you light your cigarette is not because I am a “fucking selfish asshole who only cares about themselves,” but, rather, was for the following reasons:

1. It is against the law (and also very inconsiderate) to smoke in a bus shelter.

2. You were hooked up to an oxygen tank, and fire tends to make those explode.

3. I only like explosions when they are in movies, not when they are in bus shelters in which I am standing (possible headline: “Bright, promising student killed to death in bus shelter explosion; horrible old woman emerges unscathed, lives to age 127.”)

4. I don’t actually know how to operate a bic lighter without burning my fingers off.

5. You were particularly horrible and unpleasant to the other person in the bus shelter because they couldn’t understand English. (I think that it is also probable that they just couldn’t understand what you were trying to communicate to them because all you were doing was yelling “fuck fuck fuck” at them.)

I hope that you die alone and that nobody comes to your funeral,

Alexandra