May, 2007

  1. Oh, good.

    May 29, 2007 by admin

    We need to talk about feminine hygiene products for just a moment.

    Today, for various convoluted, absurd and yet all-too-typical of ridiculous and stupid things that happen in my life type of reasons, I ended up scoring some free tampons from Health Services (not my typical free-tampon-purveyor of choice – that’s what the Women’s Centre is for, after all, but whatever). Having eschewed mainstream menstrual products for the past five years (since I prefer putting things in/near my vagina that are made of things like natural gum rubber and actual cotton rather than, oh, I don’t know, bleached rayon), I was somewhat alarmed to discover to discover that there is apparently a new line of tampons that just must be X-Files inspired. What else could explain the fact that the applicator is:

    a) A particular shade of green that is typically associated with radioactive extraterrestrial goo
    b) Made of some kind of shiny space-age plastic
    and
    b) Shaped like a rocket ship.

    Important questions that have arisen include: Why? Huh? Green? And who even needs disposable applicators that are wasteful and bad for the environment anyhow, least of all when they are made of petroleum byproduct space age plastic, when the human body is equipped with a perfectly effective, reusable tampon applicator otherwise known as an index finger? This is what I ask myself. However, the possibilities for new advances in the growing field of tampon arts and crafts are quite literally out of this world.

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  2. Some things.

    May 27, 2007 by admin

    1. EXCELLENT NEWS. The IMDB entry for Star Wars Episode Three states in its trivia section that “Tom Stoppard did a ‘script polish’ for the film. Something he’s done on many Lucasfilm productions.” We know this must be true because IMDB never lies. What this means is that the entire horrible film is, in fact, an enormous joke. That “you’re beautiful” “but I’m blind” “that’s cause love’s blind” scene (succinctly summed up here) is thus the biggest joke of all, and not the an example of the worst screenwriting ever/evidence that George Lucas is an asshole. Well, actually, George Lucas is probably still an asshole.

    2. Today on Cross-Country Checkup it was the annual summer booklist show. You know, the one where people call in to reccomend books that they like. The funniest thing in the world was how completely unimpressed Rex Murphy was with the woman who thought everyone should go read this book about how 9-11 was a conspiracy and how he just kept cutting her off and trying to shut her up. Oh, Rex, you sassy man. You’re in on the conspiracy, aren’t you?

    3. All you people who weren’t at the Star Wars Screening of Staggeringly Ambitions Proportions last night missed out on some pretty good Tab Energy Drink vanilla ice cream floats. And Han Solo being charming. You missed that, too.

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  3. Top Ten Things of the Day

    May 22, 2007 by admin

    1. Turns out, Canadian students don’t actually need to apply for a visa to study in the states. Sweet deal.

    (Multiply point number one by ten.)

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  4. Home Sweet Something.

    May 20, 2007 by admin

    I have just returned from a week in Portelginland. This was a highly productive visit and I accomplished the following:

    i) visited optometrist, who is going to fit my freaking awesome vintage frames that I got in Kensington Market and have freaking rhinstones on them (yessssss!) with my prescription.

    ii) visited dentist, who made me feel guilty about not flossing. Also, there was this bizarre poster on the office wall that basically said that because people with gum disease tend to be at higher risk of heart disease, gum disease causes heart disease. I would argue, however, that there is not necessarily a cause and effect relationship between these two ailments, and, rather, socio-economic factors and access to healthy foods, education about health and access to healthcare contribute to the proliferation of both conditions. But, whatever, I’m not a medical doctor so I should probably keep my mouth shut (unless I’m in the process of flossing).

    iii) finally passed my stupid G license test, after five years of toil/avoidance of the inevitable. I highly reccomend that everyone do this test in rural Ontario, somewhere with no expressways, because rather than make you actually drive on a highway, you just have to sign a waiver that says you’ve driven on a highway. I also reccomend booking your appointment for first thing in the morning – mine was the first test of the day, and the examiner was clearly still sleeping, and thus I was docked no marks for that roadside stop where I CLEARLY accidentally drove up onto the curb (a bizarre occurence, as this is not something I’ve ever done in real life). Also, who aced a parallel park between two cars for the first time ever and just when it mattered most? Oh, that would be me.

    iv) got my housing offer from UCLA. Someone has a pretty sweet studio apartment waiting for her in the fall. A studio apartment in Westwood. A studio apartment in a place where there are palm trees and celebrities and a Real University. A studio apartment that is very tiny. Someone thinks you should visit her in California, but only one at a time, please, because you’ll probably have to sleep in the bathtub.

    v) cleaned out large sections of my bedroom at my parents’ house. This involved a journey into the infamous Star Wars Drawer, in which all of the Star Wars memorabilia that I accumulated during the height of my nerdom (circa 1997 – 1999) is stashed. Looking in this drawer, one is either provided with conflicting evidence: I was either a super awesome thirteen year old (Exhibit A: The miniature, Star Wars-themed paper mache totem pole that I made for, oh, no reason), or a super lame thirteen year old (Exhibit B: The extensive collection of Star Wars pop cans). I am pleased to report that the only thing I got rid of from the Star Wars Drawer was the colletion of pop cans/bottles (do I really need to keep a Sebulba root beer bottle? Probably not. But I did check to make sure they weren’t going for big bucks on ebay before I threw them in the blue box), because everything else is too awesome to part with.

    iv) played some videogames.

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  5. Hmmm.

    May 15, 2007 by admin

    So, I’m a little concerned about the upcoming movie adaptation of The Golden Compass, largely because it has been one of the most important books in, oh, my entire life. Based on what I have seen on the website, the movie has the following things going for it:

    1. It is very pretty.
    2. Daniel Craig is in it – he is very pretty.
    3. The big armoured polar bears are looking pretty good.

    Unfortunately the film also has the following things working against it:

    1. The girl playing Lyra is named Dakota. Anyone named Dakota is instantly irritating.
    2. Nicole Kidman as Mrs. Coulter will probably be pretty good, but in the book Mrs. Coulter has dark hair and I worry that Nicole Kidman’s blonde hair will lead to comparisons to Ann Coulter, which may be appropriate, but, at the same time, I would like to see as little of Ann Coulter as possible.
    3. I anticipate that they’ll probably try to water down the most compelling parts of the book, ie: the parts about how God is evil and we should probably overthrow the church, to cater to certain American audiences. The director has (according to good ol’ wikipedia) assured audiences that religion will be dealt with “euphemistically” and that there will be no mention of God. I smell trouble.
    4. Tom Stoppard wrote a script. Tom Stoppard’s script was rejected. Guys, what gives?

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  6. Yes, those are bewinged skulls. On shoes.

    May 12, 2007 by admin


    Current important life goal: Find these shoes in my size for cheaper than at some sketchy internet shoe boutique. This is not completely far-fetched. They had them in purple at the Bloor Street Winners, but they only had sizes for giants. I am currently making sacrifices to the shoe gods, and praying that the Waterloo Winners will not let me down so that I can be the sassiest girl at convocation.

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  7. Top five and a half reasons why I failed my driving test this morning:

    May 8, 2007 by admin

    5. I’m very good at understanding theoretical concepts but am utterly incapable of developing any practical skills (thus – graduate school!)

    4. I am used to driving with Sonic Youth’s 100% blasting out of the speakers because it is my Driving Song. It is very, very difficult to drive without it.

    3.5. It’s hard to pretend the car is the Millenium Falcon (key to driving success) when there’s some strange man who bears no resemblance to Han Solo sitting in the passenger seat.

    3. I learned to drive on Highway 21, where one is more likely to encounter a cow than, say, another car.

    2. I hear that RIM’s almost got that teleportation technology down pat so, seriously, what’s the point.

    1. Almost sideswiping that car on the freeway might have had something to do with it, not to mention the following exchange:
    Examiner: There was a car there. You almost hit it.
    Alexandra: Well, Shit.

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  8. Heavily caffeinated

    May 8, 2007 by admin

    The wikipedia article for mondegreen is a pretty good wikipedia article, as far as wikipedia articles go (and the word mondegreen is also a pretty great word, as far as words go). I would, in particular, like to draw your attention to the following passage, which has made me very, very happy:

    English words of a song are misheard, intentionally or not, to mean something else in a native language, often with a humorous effect. An example is a Russian joke in which the song “Can’t Buy Me Love” was announced as “кинь бабе лом” (IPA: /kinʲ babʲe lom/), which roughly translates as “Throw a crowbar to the old woman”.

    That’s what I call poetry.

    Also, here is some more good news: now that my roomate has moved out and taken all the glasses with him, I have no choice but to drink all of my beverages out of wine glasses which are, oddly, the only kind of glasses that I actually own (other than eyeglasses, obviously, but you can’t drink out of those). I feel that this development has made me about 25% more fabulous.

    Also, look at that pretty banner at the top of my blog. Isn’t that nice? I made it myself.

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  9. Yeehaw.

    May 4, 2007 by admin

    It appears that I have begun my annual springtime Sad Cowboy phase, in which I listen to a lot of Depressed Bastard Country Music with Lots of Pedal Steel in it (Justin Rutledge, Oh Susanna), absorb various forms of Cowboy-related media (Deadwood) and spend a lot of time roaming around alone thinking about the southwest. (Please note that this annual phenomenon is a relatively recent development that dates back to the summer after my first year of university – before then, I went through an annual springtime King Arthur phase, which mainly involved reading The Mists of Avalon and thinking a lot about foggy British islands. I have now moved from that fixation for my current cowboy fixation, which I like to think shows some kind of personal evolution towards, well, something, I hope. I’m not entirely sure what, but something. I’m sure that on some obscure level King Arthur to cowboys is somehow a logical progression, maybe.)

    Anyhow. My point. Last night I checked out Justin Rutledge at the Starlight and he was lovely and there was lots of pedal steel and heart-on-sleeveness which is exactly what my Sad Cowboy phase demands. Amy Millan was the headliner and was not quite as lovely, largely because she is kind of staggeringly boring, although she does get some props for use of musical saw.

    I was kind of put off, though, by how few women there were on stage. Amy Millan had one other woman in her backup band, and they were the only women performing the entire night, when there were probably at least ten different musicians on stage over the course of the evening. The lack of women instrumentalists points to constructions of femininity that discourage women from taking on particular roles in popular music production – see Mavis Bayton’s article on women and the electric guitar in Sexing the Groove, for instance, for an analysis of how dominant discourses of femininity that encourage women to be silent or to only express themselves in specific (feminine-gendered) ways and lack of community and learning opportunities prevent women from taking up the electric guitar. (When Women Play the Bass: Instrument Specialization and Gender Interpretation by Mary Ann Clawson and Just Me and the Boys: Women in Local Level Rock and Roll by Stephen Groce and Margaret Cooper (both JSTOR links) are also great analyses of the role of women instrumentalists in pop music production.) I’m interested in the phenomenon of the female singer-songwriter with an all-male or mostly male backing band (which I’ve seen a lot of at concerts and music festivals) and how this both subverts constructions of femininity (the woman is in charge and leads the band) while also reinscribing acceptable roles for women as musicians (the woman sings largely non-confrontational songs about feelings and plays acoustic guitar). Probably there is a nerdy paper in there that I can write when I’m at that terrifying school in California.

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