1. First, I must acknowledge a debt to Emily and Jody for inventing what has now become one of the most important words in my entire life: classbag. For those who are not aware, classbag is typically used in an ironic sense to refer to someone who is not classy. It is best used, in my estimation, to describe oneself when one is doing something that is normally classy while simultaeneously doing something that negates that classiness. An exellent use of classbag in a sentence would be: “Last night I was sipping a glass of chilled white wine. However, I was sipping it while sitting in my basement in my underwear and watching Truth or Dare. I am such a classbag.” (Please note that this is just an example, and I am by no means suggesting that it is a typical Saturday night in the life of Alexandra.) (It’s actually a typical Friday night.)

2. The word “smoothbag” is another word from the same linguistic family that evolved over the course of the other day. I’m certain, intelligent readers, that you can extrapolate its meaning based on the above definition of classbag.

3. Another important addition to the lexicon is the term “boroda.” To truly understand from whence comes this word, you would either have to be me or Amy or spend a lot of time with us as we develop new linguistic concepts. The linguistic origins of this term are slavic, and it used to describe a chance meeting with someone from your dark past that you are always worried that you might have a random run in with. One is typically always in a state of mental preparation for said hypothetical run-in (in order to appear to have achieved ultimate coolness), however, no amount of preparation can actually ready a person for when the unlikely event actually occurs. The moment of horror and ackwardness (sometimes tinged with vestiges of old, imagined sexual tension) is the boroda. The term can also be used descriptively, as in “I was walking around minding my own business when I was suddenly borodaed.” A particularly bad instance of boroda can be called a borodafuck. A good example of both boroda and smoothbag in a sentence would be: “I was walking around minding my own business when all of a sudden I was borodafucked by the boy I had a crush on in grade nine. I naturally reacted like a total smoothbag and stammered a bit with my mouth hanging open. I hope he is enjoying his successful career as an astrophysicist with the body of a Nordic god.” (This example really, really is just an example – I have not actually experienced any boroda of late – but does represent my ultimate boroda.)

Comprehension Exercise

Write a paragraph of no fewer than five sentences that includes the following terms:

classbag, smoothbag, boroda, Madonna, gin