When I move to Los Angeles, will the larger population mean that I will have a greater chance of finding a boy who is not a stupid jerkface? Or, if the argument that “all boys are stupid jerkfaces” is true, will the larger population simply mean that there will be more stupid jerkfaces to contend with? This is what I ask myself.
July, 2007
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Huh.
July 27, 2007 by admin
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Things we learned this evening:
July 20, 2007 by admin
1. Life is horrible and everyone you love is going to be taken away from you. On the bright side, you’ll have a successful musical career. Well, at least until you die at the age of 47. On the bright side, your life will make a really wonderful, (almost Lynchian) movie!
2. We were clearly born into the wrong decade. We clearly should have alive in a decade when bellhops were de rigeur and eyebrows were shaved off and penciled in on foreheads.
3. When you feel so inspired by Edith Piaf’s life story that you venture over to your friendly neighbourhood karaoke/cowboy bar to sing one, single, measly song, the host will forget about your request and lose your little slip of paper with your name on it, even though you have had the following conversation with him, one that strikes one as the kind of conversation that might have been slightly memorable:
“Do you have Walking in Memphis?”
“Um, yeah. We’ve got both versions.”
“Really! For real? You mean you’ve got the Cher version?!?!?”
“Um, no. We’ve got the original and the Lonestar version.”
“Oh.”
So, you will have to remind him about it, but only after sitting through an hour of badly sung Backstreet Boys. After wowing the crowd with an emotionally fraught version of the song (see here for more information on why this song is such an important part of the musical canon – for those with short attention spans, the most important part starts at about 1:55), you will exit the bar in sweeping, dramatic fashion, because what is the point of being Tanya and Alexandra if you cannot exit the bar in a sweeping dramatic fashion?Also – it’s a wonderful, insular blog party! Gee whiz, guys! It almost reminds me of the days when we had a blogosphere and were all writing about each other all the time. Man, that was great. But anyhow, I bet you’re all really disapointed that you sat around reading Harry Potter illegally off the internet instead of being out with us, showing uptown Waterloo how to have a swell time.
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Dear people who run the booking office,
July 17, 2007 by admin
What exactly is it that you do all day? I would really like to know. I would really like to know because I put in my booking request last Thursday and you still haven’t confirmed a room with me. I really don’t get it – I was under the impression that your role was to take care of booking requests. Since it is currently July and there is nobody at the school, I find it really, really difficult to imagine that you are experiencing a backlog. And I mean, it’s not like I asked for anything special – I think I said “a room in the Bricker Academic building would be preferred, but not necessary,” which basically means you can give me any room in the entire school. Not a difficult request, certainly not one that takes three business days to fill. In fact, I just mailed a package this morning to Sault Ste-Marie that is going to get there is two business days, and Sault Ste-Marie is really far away so that is kind of remarkable considering it takes you three business days to do something that probably takes about five minutes and is your job. So you must be busy doing something else that’s really important and that I didn’t realize was the domain of the booking office. Oh, wait, are you actually the booking office for the entire world? Because that would explain it. That would explain why it takes you so long to get to my request. Because if every single request to book anything in the entire world has to go through you, then, yes, I could understand the delay.
Do you know what’s hard? It’s hard to promote an event when you don’t know what room it’s in. Which is something any functional organization would understand. But, people at the booking office, you do not work for a functional organization. You work for Wilfrid Laurier University, the world’s Least Useful Educational Instititution. Thank you for sucking.
Much of whatever is the antithesis of love,
Alexandra
PS: Another question I have is where the fuck is the booking office anyhow? As far as I know there is no physical space called “Booking Office,” and as far as I can discern it is just a mythical entity that exists in the hearts and imaginations of the kind of Wilfrid Laurier students who are always planning events, much like Santa in the minds of children, only instead of giving presents if you are good, the booking office gives room bookings if you wait a million years and then send a bitchy email, provided they haven’t, in fact, lost your request.
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Excellent News Everybody!
July 16, 2007 by admin
This is the most important announcement that has ever been announced. Yes, even more important than John Fluevog’s Do You Really Need New Shoes? sale. Thank you, Perez, for bringing this to our attention.
Let’s face it, even if this movie is terrible, it’ll be amazingly good. Especially if we moblize our forces and start petitioning Chris Carter to make killing off Monica Reyes an integral part of the plot. Oh! And he should have a scene where Assistant Director Walter Skinner is standing around with no shirt on looking very angry. I like it when he does that. Especially if Alex Krycek is handcuffed to a nearby balcony at the time.
Also – since I will be living in L.A., perhaps I can find a way to go to the premiere, yes? Oh, my goal of becoming David Duchovny’s illegitimate lover is so close I can almost taste it.
(I hope the movie is called From Outer Space – The Sequel! By Jose Chung, or is at least about Flukeman. Cause that thing was still alive at the end of the episode, and I’d really like to see that particular loose end tied up.)
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Misc.
July 13, 2007 by admin
1. Oh, Harry Potter. You are so funny when you deliver all of your lines in capital letters. Oh, Severus Snape. You are so painfully attractive in a completely disinterested way when you deliver all of your lines in very sexy letters.
2. Oh, CBC. Actually, the rest of Canada doesn’t really care very much about Conrad Black, and it doesn’t matter how many times you tell us that “everyone is abuzz with talk of the verdict,” because we are not and you can repeat it over and over again and the rest of Canada will still continue to completely not care about Conrad Black. The reality: The CBC is abuzz with talk of the Conrad Black verdict because nothing else interesting has happened today. Can we maybe have some more Honest Ed coverage instead? My sources tell me that he isn’t actually dead, but has decided to go into suspended animation until that auspicious day in the future, when Lord of the Rings: The Musical! finally manages to become a hit.
3. It doesn’t even matter if you like shoes or not – I, personally, am not generally a shoe person (except for Fluevogs) – you should go read Manolo’s Shoe Blog because it’s just grunny. I mean, great. And funny.
4. If I ever get married, it’s going to be to a man who wears these. On a slightly related note, I remain disappointed that no boys ever make out with me.
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Ok, so maybe I paraphrased a little bit, but not much.
July 13, 2007 by admin
This just in! A conversation I just overheard between business students in the concourse!
“What’s fair trade?”
“Oh, it’s a social policy, not an economic policy. I will now use as much jargon as possible to describe it so that you have no idea what I mean.”
“So…fair trade is, like, not buying diamonds from Sierra Leone?”
“No…it’s more like, you know how everyone in China is basically a slave? It’s like, not supporting that. And instead compensating marginalized producers. Like coffee. Fair trade coffee is when they pay the coffee workers so that they’re not slaves. So, like, money goes to the poor.”
“Oh, so that’s good then.”
“No it’s not. It’s bad for the economy. It just redistributes wealth and inflates things.”
“But, isn’t it good for local economies if workers are making more-”
“Yeah, but it’s bad for the global economy.”
“But, it’s better for poor people-”
“But it’s bad. For the economy.”
“But-”
“It’s bad.”Category Uncategorized | Tags: | 1 Comment
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Very Important Announcement!
July 9, 2007 by admin
In case you missed the memo because you have not succumbed to the dark, seductive powers of the Booke of the Fayce, there’s going to be a party. There’s going to be a party for three whole days. And you’re all invited. Here be the tantalizing details:
The Farewell Party of Ludicrous Proportions!
I’m heading off to the land of sunshine, celebrities and governators for the next five to seven years, and when I come back I’ll be really overeducated. To celebrate (or to mourn, depending on how much you like me or not), there shall be not one, not two, but three nights of depravity!
Thursday, August 9th, 10:00-ish: Hollywood Glamour Night at Club Abstract
In which we shall dress up as though we are attending the Oscars, descend on Club Abstract for all-request night, and insist that they play an obscene amount of new wave.
Friday, August 10th, 7:00-ish: Watermelon Social Garden Party!
In which everyone is invited to my backyard (message me for a top secret map), where we shall consume one of those watermelons that’s full of vodka. BYO lawnchair. Boozemelon and pink cupcakes will be provided. Hopefully the landlord will have cut the grass, if not it will be like a garden party in the jungle. In case of rain, we will gather in my kitchen and cluster around my one potted plant, pretending we are in a garden. But it won’t rain.
Saturday, August 11th, whenever-ish: Phil’s.
Because I want to go dancing.
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Some stuff
July 8, 2007 by admin
1. Well, friends, I think that it might be safe to ostentatiously declare that maybe I do live in the best of all possible worlds after all. I say this because on my feet are the world’s most fabulous red Mary Janes (which I have been wearing around the house all day, as I embark on such exciting activities as cleaning the bathroom and and unclogging the kitchen sink because, really, if something is worth doing, it is probably worth doing in red shoes), and in my hands is a new knitting pattern book.
But Alexandra, I hear you say, do you not already own a vast library of such tomes? What makes this one so special?
Well, I will tell you. Not only does this marvelous book include patterns for pasties, bondage gear and Gidget-inspired bikinis, it also has what may be the ultimate knitting pattern. The knitting pattern that I did not realize was missing from my life. The knitting pattern that makes me feel like I am complete and that everything is going to be ok. The pattern for a knitted mermaid tail.
I plan to be knitting my way to Coney Island in time for next year’s Mermaid Parade.
2. I had these really ambitious plans to write some really clever reviews all of the plays I saw in the Toronto Fringe Festival, but instead I’m lazy and I’m going to give you little one-sentence reviews instead:
Dishpig: Pretty funny and great, although, really, exactly what you’d expect it to be (I wash dishes! I make not much money! There are lots of jerks who work here! There’s this one hot waitress who won’t talk to me but laughed at a joke I made this one time!)
Manners for Men: Really, really, super-great, I thought, and funny but sad at the same time, and very, very British.
The Worst Show Ever: Imagine you had a WLU Fringe Festival play that was kind of funny at parts, but also very uncomfortably unfunny at parts, and probably staged by the WLU Drama Club (R.I.P.) and you would have something very similar to this play.
Caberlesque: There was a Lili St.Cyr-esque fan dance and fake German accents and the main burlesque dancer was fat and was wearing these Fluevogs and that should probably say it all.
Hot Pink Bits: Pretty much great – corsets, phone sex, really, everything you could ask for in a play.
(Also, right now I am really tired, but tomorrow I’ll track down some links to those plays’ websites and make the above all hyperlinky.)
3. I am so excited about my new shoes that I just want to take some time and say, John Fluevog, I love you. I love you because you are the first person to ever make shoes that fit on my feet and don’t hurt them or make them look like I should be doing some kind of clog dancing routine. From now on and Christmas, I am just going to ask for money to buy more Fluevogs.
4. Dear Boys,
Stop being mean and horrible to my friends or I will get really angry and punch all of you in the face.
Grrrr,
AlexandraCategory Uncategorized | Tags: | No Comments