1. Well, friends, I think that it might be safe to ostentatiously declare that maybe I do live in the best of all possible worlds after all. I say this because on my feet are the world’s most fabulous red Mary Janes (which I have been wearing around the house all day, as I embark on such exciting activities as cleaning the bathroom and and unclogging the kitchen sink because, really, if something is worth doing, it is probably worth doing in red shoes), and in my hands is a new knitting pattern book.
But Alexandra, I hear you say, do you not already own a vast library of such tomes? What makes this one so special?
Well, I will tell you. Not only does this marvelous book include patterns for pasties, bondage gear and Gidget-inspired bikinis, it also has what may be the ultimate knitting pattern. The knitting pattern that I did not realize was missing from my life. The knitting pattern that makes me feel like I am complete and that everything is going to be ok. The pattern for a knitted mermaid tail.
I plan to be knitting my way to Coney Island in time for next year’s Mermaid Parade.
2. I had these really ambitious plans to write some really clever reviews all of the plays I saw in the Toronto Fringe Festival, but instead I’m lazy and I’m going to give you little one-sentence reviews instead:
Dishpig: Pretty funny and great, although, really, exactly what you’d expect it to be (I wash dishes! I make not much money! There are lots of jerks who work here! There’s this one hot waitress who won’t talk to me but laughed at a joke I made this one time!)
Manners for Men: Really, really, super-great, I thought, and funny but sad at the same time, and very, very British.
The Worst Show Ever: Imagine you had a WLU Fringe Festival play that was kind of funny at parts, but also very uncomfortably unfunny at parts, and probably staged by the WLU Drama Club (R.I.P.) and you would have something very similar to this play.
Caberlesque: There was a Lili St.Cyr-esque fan dance and fake German accents and the main burlesque dancer was fat and was wearing these Fluevogs and that should probably say it all.
Hot Pink Bits: Pretty much great – corsets, phone sex, really, everything you could ask for in a play.
(Also, right now I am really tired, but tomorrow I’ll track down some links to those plays’ websites and make the above all hyperlinky.)
3. I am so excited about my new shoes that I just want to take some time and say, John Fluevog, I love you. I love you because you are the first person to ever make shoes that fit on my feet and don’t hurt them or make them look like I should be doing some kind of clog dancing routine. From now on and Christmas, I am just going to ask for money to buy more Fluevogs.
4. Dear Boys,
Stop being mean and horrible to my friends or I will get really angry and punch all of you in the face.
Grrrr,
Alexandra