November, 2007

  1. Alexandra’s Guide to Classiness – Number One in a Continuing Series

    November 30, 2007 by admin

    How to deter oneself from having a public breakdown/sobfest when one is in the midst of an inexplicable existential crisis:

    Wear non-waterproof mascara. The very idea of one’s dignity being compromised by great streams of black running down one’s face should be unappetizing enough to help nip that breakdown in the bud.

    Also, great gobs of mascara bring you closer to being like Dusty, a great paragon of classiness.

    And it works! Who did not allow her existential angst to get the better of her today in the campus coffee house, even though she was thinking seriously about it? I did not have allow my existential angst to get the better of me today in the campus coffee house, even though I was seriously thinking about it.

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  2. Attempt at Vegetarianism vs. In-N-Out Burger! Who will emerge victorious from this epic battle?

    November 30, 2007 by admin

    Oh, why do I even bother kidding myself?

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  3. Quotation du jour:

    November 29, 2007 by admin

    “The sad truth is there will always be people who recoil in horror when confronted with “teh fatt” just like there will always be people whose idea of heaven is a Rush album, two cases of Cool Ranch Doritos and a bong made out of a watermelon. We cannot fight them; we can only hope they eventually set themselves on fire.“

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  4. Things that fill me with premature holiday cheer even though they have nothing to do with the holidays:

    November 28, 2007 by admin

    1. Kate Pierson of B-52 fame operates what appears to be an amazingly wicked-cool motel somewhere in the Catskills! This makes me almost want to get married, just so that I can go there on my honeymoon. Although, personally, I would just prefer to go there for a secret tryst with an illegitimate lover.

    2. I bought the most wonderful cardigan yesterday, at Anthropologie, where I don’t normally shop because everything costs too much money and is designed to fit the thin. But it was on sale! And it fit over my tits! And it is so, so lovely! And 100% wool! But not scratchy! With sparkly buttons! And so cozy and wonderful! In fact, just look: isn’t it amazing? It was actually cheaper than it is on the website. And, also, I am going through a green phase right now so it fits in perfectly. I am also going through a cardigan phase (sorry, blazers, but so many of you make me look like a linebacker). Anyhow, I want to sit around and be all nesty in cozy cardigans right now. In fact, I spent last night sitting around in my pyjamas and my cozy cardigan. Clearly, old-lady-hood will suit me well.

    3. I baked a bundt with white chocolate chips in it. What yumminess.

    4. On Saturday, I think I will go to the Fluevog store to decide which pairs I will purchase when I become a rich society wife with ludicrous amounts of disposable income.

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  5. Have we dislocated our right knee today?

    November 26, 2007 by admin

    Oh, probably.

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  6. Dear Santa,

    November 25, 2007 by admin

    So, the time is feeling about right for my sort-of-annual epistle in which I make unreasonable requests of you. And I have been working on this letter for three entire days, so I hope you’re impressed.

    Here is what I want for Christmas. And you better deliver. Um, please. I’ve mostly been sort of good, except for that time I went shopping for a yo-yo at Tiffany’s with money that didn’t technically belong to me. (But, actually, now that I think about it, that was before Christmas of 2006 so it doesn’t count towards naughtiness points for this Christmas.)

    Anyhow, list:

    1. Cute button down shirts. Specifically, cute button down shirts, that will, in fact, button down over my boobs. You have NO IDEA how hard these are to find, and how tragic it is for me, when they are basically all I want to wear. Also, cardigans.

    2. Please cure what appears to be the chronic ADD from which I appear to be suffering that makes it very hard for me to sit down and read a journal article in one sitting. Alternatively, please make my professors stop assigning Spivak.

    3. Please permanently change the ending of the film Breakfast at Tiffany’s so that it more accurately reflects the (superior) ending of the original novella, in which Holly Golightly does not end up falling in love with an emasculated George Peppard, but rather, runs away to Brazil because she doesn’t have to belong to anybody, god damn it. If you could also excise all of Mickey Rooney’s scenes, that would be good, too. (Clearly Tiffany’s is on my mind today for unknown reasons, but ours is not to question why.)

    4. The Twin Peaks Gold Box edition. Essential to living a fulfilling life.

    5. Please get rid of hippy-dippy horrible earth goddess woman on Project Runway because she reminds me too much of an unfortunate former colleague of mine who may or may not have been allergic to the atmosphere. And, I mean, clearly the only reason she is even on the show at all is because they need a fucking crazy person to make people watch. Well, I’m not buying it, Santa. Do something. (Also, while you’re at it: Chris or Victorya should win, Christian should get a goddamn haircut and Sweet P should change her name to something not totally stupid.)

    6. Reproductive rights, freedoms, justice and comprehensive sex ed for all! (Also, Santa, just to let you in on a new secret – I have a new blogging project developing in the depths of my mind that I might try to launch in the new year that will help me fulfill my long-lost calling to be a feminist sex educator, so watch for it! It will be beautiful.)

    7. Since you’ve completely failed to deliver me a unicorn for two years running, this year I am upping the ante. I want a unicorn/pegasus hybrid. I want it to be lavender in colour, or perhaps magenta, with rainbow feathered-wings. I want it to have the strength of ten normal unicorns (which, in turn, is roughly equivalent to the strength of 27 robot gorillas, just to give you a sense of scale). I want it to leave a trail of glittering magical dust in its wake wherever it goes. And when I ride my unicorn-pegasus to school every day and park it on the roof of the Schoenberg Music Building, then, and only then, will I be the coolest kid in school, whom everybody will want to sit with in the cafeteria at lunch. Ah, yes, Santa. Please make all my dreams come true.

    I’ll even make you cupcakes.

    Love,
    Alexandra

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  7. Things I saw today in Los Angeles:

    November 24, 2007 by admin

    1. A man on the bus taking a brick of cheese out of his bag, unwrapping it and eating it like a chocolate bar.

    2. A child (approximately four years old) saying “Mommy! Will you buy me that?” while pointing to a ceramic bust of Chairman Mao.

    America, you are . . . amazing.

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  8. Coming soon to the top of the charts:

    November 21, 2007 by admin

    So, today I was at school, ostensibly doing some work, but what I was really doing was planning the concept album that I probably need to record and release. It would be an exploration of a question that has come up time and again in my life, namely: boys. What to do about them?

    Songs on this album, inspired both by my experiences and the experiences of my close associates, will include:

    Boyfriend-on-Trial!

    Hypermasculine Man/Poetic Emo Boy (a new interpretation of the classic duet between myself and Amy)

    Hot or Homeless? Who Can Say?

    I Deserve More (Than Another Lousy Handjob)

    Why Would I Steal Your Dexadrine?

    Think Twice (Before Bedding a Conservative)

    The Day the Internet Ruined Our Lives

    Ballad of the Dutch Fling

    I Sent my Love a Paper Crane (But He Didn’t Send One Back)

    39 Reasons to Avoid Dating Someone In Your Band (or: Don’t Shit Where You Eat)

    I Heard It Through the Craigslist

    Cute, Smart, Single, and Emotionally Unavailable

    Return Thee to Australia

    What is the Point of Saying Wonderful Things if those Wonderful Things are Lies?

    What the Margarita Told Me

    These are, of course, only the beginnings. I am predicting a double album, at least. With sequels.

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  9. John Fluevog, we need to have a word.

    November 21, 2007 by admin

    Ok. John, you are the maestro of footwear as far as my sad, hobbit-like feet are concerned. But I have a bone to pick with you.

    You know, as well as I do, that the shoes in your Operetta and Soprano families happen to fit my feet PERFECTLY. Which is something that has never happened before in the history of shoes. So why, WHY, can you not just give them to me for free, instead of insisting that I pay x amount of dollars for them (where x=anywhere from $249 to $485)?

    I want these ones. In black. Because I need a good black shoe. I want these ones. In blue. Because what is the point of a blue shoe? Exactly. That’s why I need them: because they are pointless. And I will take either these boots or these boots, really in any colour, but it would be good if you could just make me a custom pair in a nice eggplanty purple colour. That would be hot, don’t you agree?

    Like honestly. Considering the amount of time I spend blogging about Fluevogs, you would think the company would owe me some goddamn boots because of all the free marketing I do for them.

    Anyhow, John Fluevog, I take a nine and a half. And I wish you were Santa Claus.

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  10. Superfantastic!

    November 20, 2007 by admin

    Rock on. I get to present my Rock School for Girls paper at a conference. Of course this means I now have the highly enviable task of somehow reducing a thirty five page document into a twelve minute presentation. (Twelve minutes = approximately six pages.) Maybe I will just talk REALLY fast.

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