December, 2007

  1. Two reasons why the holidays are AMAZING.

    December 30, 2007 by admin

    1. “What are you making?”
    “What does it look like? I’m making all of our dreams come true.”
    “How? By manufacturing winning lottery tickets?”
    “NO. Frangelico balls. Gosh.”

    2. What is unusual about this manger scene?

    If you answered, “hippopotamus,” then congratulations, you are correct! The inclusion of the hippopotamus is part of a long-standing tradition of blaspheming the manger. Usually I accomplish this by replacing Baby Jesus with a plastic Smurf. This year my sister beat me to the punch with the hippo, and I’m kind of proud of her because that hippo looks . . . really good. There’s no denying it. It’s kind of amazing.

    You may also notice that the three wise men are about 3/4 of the scale of the rest of the figures, which is because my mother bought most of the figures one year, and the next year, when she wanted to get the rest of the set, discovered that they had changed the scale at which they were being produced. She claims that you can’t notice unless somebody points it out. So I generally spend the holidays pointing out, as much as possible, that the three wise men are from an Eastern pygmy tribe.

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  2. Dear Everyone Who Invited Me Out for New Year’s Eve,

    December 29, 2007 by admin

    (Which basically includes . . . everyone I know in Canada.)

    So, I’ve decided that since I’ve been traveling for basically two entire weeks and since I just got back from my grandparents’ house tonight and am so fucking exhausted because for the three nights I was at my grandparents’ house I couldn’t sleep because the baseboard heater in my room kept making this REALLY LOUD ticking noise every few seconds, and because I go back to L.A. next Friday and I really would like to actually rest for a few days, and, oh, maybe visit my parents since they paid for me to fly home for the holidays, after all, I will not be doing anything exciting with anybody for New Year’s. I’m sorry. I’m totally lame. But I hope you all have fun! I will be having SO MUCH FUN, because here is what I plan to be doing:

    1. I am going to make Frangelico Balls!
    2. I am going to eat them, and wash them down with Asti Spumante!
    3. I will hopefully be good and drunk in time for the Sean Cullen New Year’s Eve Special on CBC Radio! Because how much do I love that man? I love that man SO MUCH. And I don’t even believe in love!

    So, basically, I forsee having the best New Year’s ever. And, who needs a kiss at midnight when I have the Sean Cullen New Year’s Eve Radio Special? EXACTLY.

    In sum, I apologize for being lame. But I also anticipate that I shall not regret being lame.

    Love,
    Alexandra

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  3. Misc.

    December 26, 2007 by admin

    1. On the way to Sudbury we passed a billboard that read “Foucault’s Trailer Rentals!” which is almost as good as that time there was a newspaper article about a wrestler named Foucault.

    2. Also on the way to Sudbury, I was asleep and listening to some old school Smashing Pumpkins, while my father had the William Tell Overture playing on the radio and was explaining to my sister that in that piece they use cannons. While asleep, I was able to listen to the William Tell Overture and the conversation in question over Billy Corgan’s dulcet tones and realize that, actually, my father was completely wrong, thus, when I woke up from my nap about fifteen minutes later, I announced, in my typical non-sequitorial style, that, actually it’s the 1812 Overture that’s got the cannons, not William Tell, and they’re by, like totally different composers, GOSH. And it is moments like that, when I am able to engage in musical recognition exercises while sleeping, that I regain my confidence in my choice of profession.

    3. Tonight we are having turkey dinner. This probably does not seem unusual, given the time of year, however, it is important to realize that I am currently at my Italian grandparents’ house, and turkey dinner is not something that Italians do. The whole concept is kind of amazingly incongruous. My grandmother is a fabulous cook – she makes homemade pasta that will melt on your tongue and make all of your troubles disappear. Turkey, however, is not exactly her strong suit. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that she should never bother with turkey. And yet, that is what we are eating tonight, even though the main thing that I actually look forward to about coming here is eating homemade pasta until I can’t move anymore. When my father told me we were having turkey, all I could do was repeat “But . . . all I want is spaghetti . . . why? Why turkey?” with a slightly slack-jawed expression on my face. He has advised me not to think too hard about it or blood might start slowly dripping out my ear from brain-overexertion. I remain concerned. This whole situation is disturbingly similar to when my other, German grandmother makes lasagna. Her interpretation of lasagna tends to rely on onions as its major ingredient which is really . . . unfortunate.

    4. Chris Leavins, you are my soulmate. Or, well, Simon the cat is my soulmate, at least.

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  4. Dear Everyone,

    December 25, 2007 by admin

    I would like to quickly draw your attention to el sidebar over there, —–>
    at the bottom of which you will find a new thing, that thing being a list of things that I have decided make life worth living. This list will be updated regularly as I think of more things that make life worth living.

    I had thought about including a “Things that make me want to jump off a bridge” companion list, but then realized that that would entirely defeat my purpose, my purpose being to put myself in a good mood. And, besides, I find that the things that make me want to live tend to remain pretty constant, whereas things that make me want to jump off of bridges tend to be more contextually dependent. For instance, something that currently makes me want to jump off of a bridge is the thought of how, tomorrow night, my grandmother will probably ask me how my love life is going. Regardless of how it is actually going at any given time (and, no, I will not breathe a word here), this is a question that I dread, largely because it’s really nobody’s business (thus no breathing of words). This year I think I am just going to respond with “Look, do you not realize that that is a completely inappropriate question?” which I am hoping will nip all further inquiries in the bud. But, anyhow, that kind of reason to want to jump off of a bridge is kind of seasonally dependent, ie., it tends to hit me, you know, around the holidays, mostly.

    But, anyhow. Other things that make me want to die include driving to Sudbury, birthplace of renowned Man in Black, Alex Trebek, in the winter, which, coincidentally, is what I will be doing all day tomorrow, so I guess I should probably go to bed.

    Love,

    Alexandra

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  5. A brief listing of holiday-related awesomeness

    December 25, 2007 by admin

    1. Some people may have accumulated enough Christmas money for a new pair of Fluevogs. Some people are thinking probably the blue ones or possibly some boots, depending on what fits and looks smoking hot.

    2. The Twin Peaks Gold Box Edition DVD set is about as awesome as it should rightfully be. Something that makes it even more awesome is the following quote, from David Lynch, that’s on the back of the box: “I think this is a great definitive Twin Peaks Gold Set.” Which is hilarious, because if you’ve ever seen David Lynch in interview, you can just hear him speaking those words and you just know that he probably insisted on having them printed on the box.

    3. I have finally developed what are probably the ultimate, most fantastic pyjamas. The pyjamas in question include: Pants with gnomes on them, a shirt with Rex Murphy on it, and a leopard print robe. So basically, wearing this outfit conveys the message that I am simultaneously awesome (because of the gnomes) a CBC-loving commie and member of the intellectual elite (because of Rex), and, like, totally glamourous (leopard).

    4. I always forget that my favourite Christmas song is Mele Kalikimaka. (Warning: That link is to the most AWESOME WEBSITE I HAVE EVER SEEN.) I always forget this until I suddenly am just drunk enough to spontaneously break into a chorus of it in the kitchen, as happened last night before dinner. I once actually sang Mele Kalikimaka at a concert in front of an adoring public (“an adoring public” is a phrase that, used in this context means “a bunch of senior citizens”), but lately I have been envisioning a possible revamped performance of it that would be less family friendly and would help me launch my burlesque career.

    5. Speaking of burlesque, somebody extra special gave me homemade pasties for Christmas and, well, I love my friends.

    6. And I got a lint shaver for Christmas! Yes! Finally! My sweaters won’t be all pilly anymore! This is not mock enthusiasm. I am actually very excited. I had a conversation about a month ago with my mother in which I said “Look, there are two things I want in the entire universe. A lint shaver and the Twin Peaks Gold Box Edition DVD set.” So basically, I totally cleaned up this Christmas and all of my dreams have come true.

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  6. When I’m awfully low, when the world is cold

    December 24, 2007 by admin

    Dear my wonderful friends who I love an amazing amount,

    Thank you for letting me stay with you and for coming and eating with me and visiting with me and hanging out with me and dancing with me and running amok around Kitchener-Waterloo, Toronto and London with me because, let me tell you, life was biting me in the ass last week, and if I had been stuck in Port Elgin, sitting around, I would have gone out of my head worrying and overthinking. And I’ve missed all of you, a lot, a lot, a lot, so I was so happy to see everyone. You should all move to Californialand with me.

    Anyhow. I’ve just been thinking a lot lately about honesty and about love and I just want to say thank you to all of you for letting me be honest and truthful about who I am and for loving me even though I am honestly pretty much ridiculous.

    Love love love,

    Alexandra

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  7. Merry, merry.

    December 23, 2007 by admin

    Tonight was an important and wonderful night, because tonight Leith came over and we had a very extra special kind of Christmas party, ie: the kind of Christmas party where we sit at my parents’ dining room table, eat popcorn with cream cheese (don’t knock it until you’ve tried it) and listen to/sing along with the entire Sharon, Lois and Bram Christmas album (which is also not to be knocked because it is such an integral part of my childhood experience of Christmas that I credit it with having made significant contributions to the person I am today), and then go and act like jerks at Tim Hortons. (Although the Tim Hortons night shift staff get points for asking us for “four hundred and twenty seven cents” instead of for four dollars and twenty seven cents.)

    (Important dialogue from the night includes:

    “It’s a surprise.”
    “Does it involve an elephant?”
    “No.”
    “You’re lying.”

    and also:

    “Look, if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be good sex.”
    “That was spoken with the tone of a truly hardened . . . old maid.”
    “I prefer ‘Woman of Loose Morals.’”)

    And then I came home and mixed myself a pretty strong drink because it seems to me that it’s time for my favourite holiday tradition, one that I call “Alexandra copes with her family by spending the holidays in a state of mild but constant inebriation.” (To wit: Last Christmas, I brazenly pointed out that I hadn’t fought with my teenage sister at all over the holidays, not even once, whereupon she pointed out that that was because I had had a drink in my hand for approximately ten days running. Sometimes she gets points for being observant. She then loses them for being seventeen and too cool for school.)

    I also managed to finally finish my Christmas shopping today. One might assume that, since I live in Los Angeles, where one can arguably find some of the best shopping in North America, I would have maybe done some Christmas shopping there. One would be assuming wrongly. Shopping in L.A. would have taken, you know, initiative. The only thing I actually bought in L.A. as a Christmas gift for anyone was a certain Bates Motel keychain that I had to travel about an hour and a half east on the bus to fucking Los Feliz to get for Tanya, so she better love that keychain because I don’t travel an hour and a half that far east for just anybody. I have been living in L.A. for four months and have already firmly established an identity as a Westsider.

    Anyhow, the real point of this post was to announce that you’d all better watch yourselves because tomorrow I might be posting something about my feelings, because I’ve just spent a week visiting my wonderful, lovely, fabulous friends, and I’ve been reading this bell hooks book that has managed to both address most of my issues and make me cry in public. So, um, feelings. They’re coming, to a blog near you. Gross.

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  8. Dear The Dance Cave,

    December 23, 2007 by admin

    Oh, Dance Cave. It’s official. You are the one place in the world where dreams really do come true.* I am going to retire from my public life and live at the Dance Cave, forevermore.

    Love,
    Alexandra

    *Especially if your dream involves making out with a dude named Gian-Carlo while Love Will Tear Us Apart is playing, followed by If You’re Into It, and then when he asks what you’re doing after, you say “Sorry, dude, I’ve got a date with a strawberry milkshake at Vesta Lunch.”

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  9. Dear Everyone,

    December 19, 2007 by admin

    Tonight, I have composed a song. My song goes like this:

    I am the best friend anyone has ever had.
    I am the best friend anyone has ever had.

    I bring my friends jerky.
    I bring my friends underwear.
    I bring my friends hand-drawn pictures of DINOSAURS!

    Because I am the best friend anyone has ever had.

    Your (best) friend (forever),

    ALEXANDRA A.

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  10. But Paris Hilton told me all the stars were blind!

    December 18, 2007 by admin

    Today, Emily is my blogging co-host. Say hello to all the lovely interwebs people, Emily!

    I’m sitting next to Alexandra, eating the delicious soy-jerky that she kindly brought back from LA for me. Mmmmmmmm soy jerky.

    For the record, I think soy jerky is gross. It tastes like salt and smells like vegemite.

    I disagree.

    Anyhow, whatever. Tonight we learned that the best time to play video games is when one is in the depths of despair. In such a context, the simple fun of Mario Party 64 can become a heartbreaking medititation on life, loss, death and violence.

    She creatively christened it “Despario Party”, one minute raging against the cruel star-stealing actions of her fellow mario-partiers, and the next rejoicing in her successes!

    Please note that said successes were few and far between. Although I was pretty good at that one game with the hammer (hitting things is therapeutic) and the skateboarding one. Which is pretty funny, if you’ve ever seen me on a skateboard in real life. (Said scene would involve much falling over.)

    In conclusion, here is the lesson that Despario Party taught us tonight:

    All your dreams are dead. And the world is probably a vampire.

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