January, 2008

  1. Dear Chris,

    January 30, 2008 by admin

    You look so super cute in your white suit. It breaks my heart that I did not spend this evening with you/that you did not book a bigger theatre.

    Your number one fangirl,

    Alexandra

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  2. Hey you guys! I got to chill with Spock!

    January 29, 2008 by admin

    So, tonight I was going to sit around the apartment drinking hot chocolate and feeling sorry for myself, I mean, feeling TRULY FANTASTIC, but then I found out that Leonard Nimoy and Natalie Angier were speaking at the Hammer. Yes, that Leonard Nimoy. And yes, that Natalie Angier, whose name has been butchered by many a HooHah Monogloguist at Wilfrid Laurier University in my day. And I decided that I couldn’t sit around and let this even pass by without me, no, it was time for some feminist field work.

    So, Leonard’s been keeping himself busy these days taking pictures of naked fat ladies. Which is pretty cool, I guess, because really, the world needs more naked ladies. And some of the pictures, interestingly, are re-stagings of famous artworks, only with fat girls, which is a concept I can get behind. He seems to be pretty enthusiastic about it, although I really wish he would just say the word fat instead of pussy-footing around and saying awkward things like “larger bodies than we are used to seeing.” And Natalie Angier had some pretty good things to say about how Nimoy allows the women in the pictures to possess a gaze, rather than just being passive subjects, and also some good stuff about how fat isn’t necessarily unhealthy and how maybe some evolutionary biology about beauty standards is stupid crap. Although I wish she would have gone further with it. Oh well.

    My inner Women’s Studies grad would have liked more analysis and maybe some discussion of the complicated implications of a man producing pictures of fat women (and issues of surveillance, appropriation, speaking for vs. speaking with, etc.) and less “look! fat people can have fun too! fat people can be sexy too! fat people exist!” but all in all, Nimoy and Angier were pretty good.

    As for the Q&A:

    Dear Lady Who Insisted that Fat People are Unhealthy,

    You’re dumb. And wrong.

    Dear Dude who was like, “So, there’s a Venus of Willendorf, but is there are Mars of Willendorf? What about fat prehistoric men?”

    Ok, we don’t get to talk about women’s bodies in public very often so it would be nice if you could respect the fact that at this time, we are not talking about you, sorry, we get to talk about you all the time. So please put your penis back in your pants.

    Dear Dude who was like, “Hey! William Shatner gained some weight! I’m funny.”

    You’re . . . an idiot.

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  3. This just in:

    January 29, 2008 by admin

    I don’t like learning about the French anymore. And, also, I might be kind of stupid.

    Possibly I shall quit my Ph.D. program and become a busker on Venice beach. Possibly a player of flaming ukuleles.* Possibly, possibly.

    *If you had been with me and Tanya on Venice beach a couple of weeks ago, you, too, would have been subjected to lengthy descriptions of my consternation towards what I perceive as a decline the overall quality of street performing. Playing some reggae and making your five year old dance to it is not good street performance. Standing on a ladder waving around a couple of wooden snakes is not good street performance. If they had been real cobras, then yes. If they had been flaming wooden snakes, then yes. If they had been robot cobras, then hells yes, because that is kind of like Bladerunner, and, who knows? Those replicant snakes might have minds of their own! For street performance to be truly actually good, there must be some risk to the safety of either or both the performer and the audience. That man with the piano on the beach? That’s pretty good, I’d say, because he could have, like, thrown out his back getting that baby grand to the boardwalk. In sum, to be a successful ukulele street performer, the ukulele would have to be on fire.

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  4. Things that are currently awsome:

    January 28, 2008 by admin

    1. David Duchovny wants you to adopt a puppy. No, really! Doesn’t this just make you feel kind of fuzzy and awkward inside?

    2. FINALLY. Great works of philosophy explained, courtesy of The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists:

    “It’s my firm belief that trying to impress women is ninety-nine per cent of them motivation for anything ever. Including, but not limited to, philosophising. For instance, you’ve got Marx here, with his ‘don’t let rich people turn orphans into glue’ nonsense. That’s obviously to make him look like good caring-husband material. Or take Plato with the whole ‘platonic love’ thing, which anyone can see was just to get some nice Greek girl not to feel too threatened by him before he moved in on her with that ‘oh, I’ve gone and spilt wine on your toga’ trick. And Kant, he’s another one, banging on about metaphysics, because it’s floaty and a bit nebulous, like how ponies are.” (Defoe 150)

    Ok, now I’m REALLY going to school to learn about the French.

    Love forever,
    Alexandra

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  5. Birthday, thoughts on.

    January 28, 2008 by admin

    It is my birthday in a week and a day. That’s weird. I’m not very good at birthdays. Apparently people throw parties for their birthdays. I have not had a birthday party since I was maybe eleven, because I feel kind of weird and awkward asking people to pay attention to me and celebrate the day I was born. It seems kind of strange and vain. But I don’t think it’s strange and vain when other people hold birthday parties for themselves, so apparently I just have some kind of weird standard for myself that is different than the one I have for the rest of the world. So there will be no birthday party. Because that would be weird. (But the rest of you can have all the parties you want, and please invite me to them.)

    There will, however, be a $30 margarita consumed by yours truly at Velvet Margarita. That, I can stand. I will be buying this margarita for myself, in celebration of the fact that I am pretty cool, I think, and I will be officially one year older than my parents when they got married, which seems like some kind of milestone. Kind of like a “Haha! I escaped that cruel fate! My rambling heart shall never wed! Instead I will roam the moors on horseback forevermore! My only lover is the open road!” moment or something. Because who gets married? Seriously. I don’t know about that whole scene.

    But anyhow. For my birthday, here is what I want:

    1. $30 margarita (check!)
    2. A teapot, preferably with polka dots on it, or else shaped like something that is not a teapot (ie: an elephant)
    3. A student membership to the American Musicological Society and/or the Society for American Music
    4. The Portable Dorothy Parker (specifically that edition because I like the cover)
    5. Cardigans, dresses, omigod shoes.
    6. A unicorn, motherfuckers! (NOT a triceratops.)

    Ok, I am going to school now to learn about The FRENCH. Be afraid.

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  6. Two important things I have said recently in e-mails to Tanya:

    January 25, 2008 by admin

    (Or: quotations that will cement my future status as a Great Woman of Letters.)

    1. “I went to Sephora today to get some foundation and I HATE THAT STORE. I go there and I feel really overwhelmed and stupid because I don’t know anything about makeup and tend to get whatever has a cute, gimmicky package and usually the store is so full of people that I get really claustrophobic and annoyed. So I went today cause it was raining and I figured the store wouldn’t be as busy, which was true, but unfortunately, the employees were clearly bored and just wouldn’t leave me alone which made me even madder. So finally I let this girl demonstrate some foundation on my face and it turned out to be really good so I bought it, but now I’m feeling kind of disappointed because it doesn’t have anything cute on the package, like a record player or a lady in a bikini. I should have gone with my first instinct and bought more record player foundation. I hate Sephora.”

    2. “I wish he would die of something horrible. Like being eaten alive by a lot of very small birds with sharp little beaks. There is a scene in Barbarella where that almost happens to her, but then she is rescued by Dildano, leader of the resistance, played by a mustachioed David Hemmings. “

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  7. How to ingratiate yourself to your classmates and make Marxism class more interesting:

    January 23, 2008 by admin

    1. Inform them about Marx’s little skin condition. Yes. Boils. Marx had boils all over his body. That’s probably the most important fact one can know about Marxism, that right there. Announce that your new favourite quotation is “The bourgeoisie will remember my carbuncles until their dying day.”

    2. Bring red velvet cupcakes to share during break. Because, you know, red . . . communism . . . right? The cupcakes will also cause your professor to remark that eating cupcakes while talking about commodity form makes her feel sneaky.

    So, yeah. Pretty good seminar today, I guess.

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  8. Soon, my darlings, soon!

    January 22, 2008 by admin

    Soon there will be a blog post! Soon there will be replies to the millions of emails and blog comments that I need to reply to! Soon! I’ve put tonight aside as “catch up on interweb socializing” night.

    But in the meanwhilst . . .

    Tanya visited me in Los Angeles! Look at how charming we are!


    Wait until you see the pictures of us posing on the hood of our rental car!

    I can’t wait until Tanya visits next year and we buy a $200 minivan and go on X-FILES TOUR 2009: NO BOYS ALLOWED (except for David Duchovny).

    In an unrelated news update that will mostly be relevant to Amy (G.): There’s this guy I kind of know, and, well, I just found out that his middle name is Rhys. Which is almost as good as Roan. Or Gian-Carlo. Or any number of improbable, aristocratic-sounding names. The only problem is that he’s a philosopher. Ew.

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  9. Dear Chris Leavins and the Internet,

    January 15, 2008 by admin

    Ok, firstly. I am not entirely unconvinced that the current saga that is playing out on Cute With Chris is not, in fact, part of some conspiracy of your own design, part of your elaborate plot to take over the world with, you know, amazingness. Is there a Rhonda? I remain suspicious. However, I do not care. Because I’m pretty sure I support a Cute With Chris World Takeover.

    I am, however, dismayed that, while your live show is happening, it is already sold out. I mean, for fuck’s sake. I called for tickets about a minute and thirty seven seconds after the announcement was posted and tickets were already gone. I mean, why did I even move to Los Angeles? To stalk my nerdy internet crushes, and attend their live shows, that’s why (oh, and also grad school). I mean, I was going to come and I was even going to ask you out on a date. Because you’re fucking cute. Jesus.

    Anyhow. This has worked once before, that time when a B-52s ticket emerged out of the ether/internet, so here it goes again:

    The Cute With Chris live show is sold out and I feel dead inside. Life has no meaning, blah, blah, blah. Oh, internet, help me.

    Love,

    Alexandra

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  10. How should I deal with my issues?

    January 15, 2008 by admin

    1. Anti-depressants?

    or

    2. More alcohol?

    Clearly substances are the only way.

    This just in: The Dorothy Parker-like persona that I have been actively cultivating over the past couple of years suddenly isn’t very much fun anymore.

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