Friends, there is a dark, evil plot afoot.
I do not know if this trend has made it to the rest of world, or if it is simply a California thing (although I do suspect that, yes, the world is going straight to Hades and this phenomenon is everywhere), but what the fuck is up with people wearing leggings instead of pants?
Ladies, no. It is one thing if you are wearing a long top, like, something that extends at least to mid thigh. Then maybe. Maybe it is ok for you to wear leggings with your shirt. But if you are not wearing a long shirt over your leggings, everyone in the world can see every detail of your crotchal area and it is not flattering on anybody, even those with Peter Pan-like physiques. (A slightly related argument that I shall leave to another time concerns the wearing of very short dresses, that are probably actually shirts, without pants or tights or anything. My philosophy is: If you have to ask yourself “is this a dress or is this a shirt,” it’s a shirt.) And really, this is all just because I love everybody. And I want everybody to look lovely and charming. That’s all.
Anyhow. I can’t understand what would possess people to wear leggings as pants. These are the kinds of questions that I worry about on a regular basis. So I have come up with a theory.
There is a conspiracy. As part of an evil world-domination plot, the legging industry has enlisted certain celebrity spokespersons to hawk their wares and convince all women that legging-as-pant is a good idea, and in return are getting huge subsidies from the makers of Monistat. Seriously.
What can you do to help stop the advance of such evil? Maybe try buying some pants. Or, if you really must insist on leggings, reject the Monistat hegemony and try some garlic instead.
(Also, the newspaper article linked to above is really fucking hilarious and refers to yeast infections as “a hidden encroachment on college campuses.”)
While you’re at it, can you do something about the skinny leg jeans? Again, a look that is not flattering on anyone.
I feel like the skinny jean was a precursor to leggings, a harbinger to the legging, if you will.
I was in a very dangerous position about a week ago, wherein I almost purchased a pair of skinny jeans before I realized that they were skinny jeans and I was deluding myself into thinking they looked good because they looked horrible. I was seduced by the fact that they were purple denim (so good!) but that does not change the fact that they were skinny jeans (so bad!) so I quickly took them off and put on my NORMAL pants and left the store.
I think skinny jeans or leggings worn with ballet flats make people’s legs look like croquet mallets. Specifically, croquet mallets made out of flamingos, like in Alice in Wonderland.
Not to mention what it does to people’s asses. All of a sudden everyone has a disproportioned ass/hip thing going on. They look like ice cream cones that can walk. Their torso, boobs and head being a second scoop, whipped cream and a cherry. Skinny jeans look good on no one.