Ok, here is the new rule: The new rule is that you are not allowed to make comments that are borderline flirtatious unless you are actually intending to be flirtatious. Comments that fall into this category, just to make things completely clear, include any and all usages of the phrase “piece of your booty.” Because that phrase could just be funny . . . or it could be flirting. And do you know what happens when I, single girl who may have a crush on you anyhow, am faced with figuring out how to categorize the comment in question? I will tell you. I become unable to concentrate in class, and then sit around obsessing for most of my evening, hoping that you were actually flirting, and worrying that I wasn’t flirty enough back and that you will now stop flirting because I was unsure if you were flirting and thus didn’t react flirtily enough. Seriously, just ask me out.

Yours flirtatiously,

Xandra A.

Dear glass of cream soda that I am drinking,

You taste like egg nog. I don’t know how I feel about this.

Sincerely,

Xandra A.