This is the X-files movie poster? Um, that’s fine. I guess. But boring. Gosh. More important, however, is the following question: Fox Mulder, why do you look like Zach Braff in these pictures? I am concerned. At least Scully is rocking sexy long hair and wide-legged-like-Katherine-Hepburn-trousers. Scully never lets me down. Except maybe that one time when she got hit in the head with an entire bookshelf.
I also just want to quote the Wikipedia article on the movie at this time, because it is always important to see what Wikipedia has to say, because, verily, Wikipedia, thou art our contemporary Delphic Oracle. And this is what Wikipedia lists in the cast list:
- Amanda Peet as FBI Special Agent Dakota Whitney
- Xzibit as a yet-unnamed FBI Special Agent
- Billy Connolly as a priest of “dubious character”
This is, of course, hilarious because it raises the following questions:
1. Dakota Whitney? Seriously, Dakota Whitney? Chris Carter, what is this? The Most Important Film of Our Generation, or a beauty pageant for twelve year olds? Because the only people I can think of who are named Dakota Whitney are twelve-year-old pageant princesses.
2. Xzibit? What purpose could you possibly be serving in my X-Files movie? Please tell me it is to pimp out Mulder and Scully’s rental car.
3. Um, haven’t we figured out by now that everyone who is not Mulder, Scully, Assistant Director Walter Skinner (World’s Sexiest Bald Man), or a Lone Gunman (who I anticipate will be miraculously resurrected for this film, because something else we’ve all realized is that nobody in X-Files ever actually dies) is of dubious character?
But holy crap July 25th is going to be the most important night of my entire life! X-Files X-Files X-Files!