Oh, Harrison Ford. My, my, have you aged well – kind of like a really good . . . cheddar. I’d like to bring you home, keep you around for a while, and then have you in a grilled cheese sandwich.
So (and what I am about to say may be considered a “spoiler,” so do not read the remainder of this paragraph if such things offend your sensibilities), I don’t like to say I told you so, but remember that time many months ago when I was like “I predict that the new Indiana Jones movie is totally going to be about ALIENS and it’s going to be fucking AWESOME”? Well, basically someone needs to hire me to write movies. And remember how in the X-Files, there were nine seasons and a movie of completely incomprehensible alien plot going on, to the point where even I, who spent July 2005 re-watching the entire series chronologically, could probably only come up with “well, there were aliens . . . and Mulder’s dad . . . and that gross black, wormy disease that crawled around under your skin . . . and everyone got those three bug bites on their backs in the pilot episode and it seemed really important and then that plot point was never taken up again . . . oh, and some Russians, and, oh, hey remember that time when Scully got hit in the head with a bookshelf and we all laughed?” if you asked me to explain the nature of the government conspiracy in the X-Files? Well . . . I’m pretty sure that that Indiana Jones movie just somehow explained the entire X-Files. And to think we ever, for a second, doubted the genius of George Lucas.
I also recall predicting that Cate Blanchett as Icy-Cool-Sexy-Comrade would be amazing, and again, I spoke the truth. I am like an oracle of the Indiana. Who would have thought that combining Natasha Fatale and Mr. Spock and a rapier would be the best invention ever? She seriously tried to mind meld with Indiana at the beginning of the movie. It was so meta.
Oh, and Shia LeBoeuf wasn’t completely annoying. Only mostly annoying.
ADDENDUM: The internet is a fucking hilarious place. Like, seriously. This movie has only been out for two days. Who made this? Because whoever it was . . . I love them.