Ok, so I’m sorry it took this long to post these highly anticipated results but, you know, I’ve been, like busy and stuff. Don’t ask me what I was busy doing because I really don’t know. Important things. Like . . . watching all of the Ginger Snaps trilogy. And prowling the garment district for wood-grain print cotton on the cheap so that I can make a wood-grain print wiggle dress. IMPORTANT THINGS. Also I’m reading fancy books that may someday help my dissetation AND also I’m revising a paper so I can maybe get it published. See how important I am being this summer? Very important.
But anyhow. Other important things I have done include compiling the data from the Great Burrito Experiment into a pie chart or three. Because if there is anything at all that I know about science, it is these three things:
1. Science has labcoats;
2. Science has tesla coils;
3. Science has data compiled into fancy charts.
I don’t have a labcoat, but I watch lots of movies with people in labcoats. And I don’t have a tesla coil, but I think about tesla coils A LOT (example of thoughts I frequently have about tesla coils: “Why is there a pointless tesla coil at the Griffith Park Observatory? Why ISN’T THERE a pointless tesla coil in my living room? And why am I the only person who seems to be excited about that band with the musical tesla coils?”) But I have made some charts. Pie charts. Somebody told me pie charts were really sciencey.
(Also: One of my ladyfriends suggested I tell everyone who wrote to me to come and meet me at the Westwood Chipotle at the same time, and then just see what would happen. I didn’t actually do it because I am sadly not the twee lead character of a vaguely hipstery romantic comedy, and thus do not have the bizarre combinations of tweeness and chutzpah required to pull something like that off. However, I am very glad I have people in my life to give me such sensible advice.)
So anyhow. I got 47 response to the original burrito ad. Here I have broken them down into how many I would actually consider replying to (8) and how many I would never reply to (39), in percentages, the language of science:
Sadly, of the response I would actually consider replying to, 5 were vetoed because the gentlemen in question either lived too far away or were too young (an important factor to consider, given that I live in perpetual fear of accidentally flirting with one of my students on the internet).
And then there were the ones I would never reply to in a million years. I have broken these down by category, most of which are fairly self-explanatory (ie: “enjoys symphonic death metal”), but a few merit some clarification.
Those who fall under the category of “clearly didn’t read the original” ad are responses that completely fail to acknowledge that I posted a really righteous craigslist ad about burritos, and instead are copy and pasted stock responses that these dudes use for every girl on the internet. Common themes include “looking for that someone special” and “tired of playing games.”
Those who fall under the category of “actually has no interest in burritos and is merely being a smart-ass” are people who responded with things like “take beano before your date.”
“Spelling?” encompasses all spelling and grammar related offenses, including, but not limited to, use of internet-speak (ie: lol, ur), and inability to distinguish “their,” “there,” and “they’re.”
The comedians things is complicated. It’s not like I have anything against aspiring stand ups, because I don’t. It’s just that every person who replied and was like “I wanna do stand up!” also said numerous things to prove themselves to be fundamentally unfunny. And also, aspiring stand ups are becoming a frequent trope in my boy-related life, which is, I don’t know, weird, maybe? Or telling?
But anyhow, charts are cooler than words:
(Click to embiggen!)
And I promised highlights from the responses I got, so here are a few:
“I am in the business of dealing with models and it has shown me the downside to having women smiling in my face to get what they want which doesn’t always include me and who I am naturally as a person. I would like to have fun to the max with a woman who is pure and appreciates me for my company… and I would like to point out that I enjoyed the aspect of your posting that said sleepovers…I would enjoy a nightly getaway that nobody could take away from me so that my hard work during the day is not in vein. Please do feel free to respond back to me with your thoughts and interests via email. Thank you for your time and I look forward to your correspondence princess.”
(Please note that there was NOTHING in the original ad about sleepovers. Also, I sort of what to write back and ask him what a “correspondance princess” is. I assume it’s a lady in a tiara who writes lots of letters.)
“i guess i’m reverse evolved musically, and started with modern nu-metal, then mid-early eighties hardcore, then ska, reggae, rocksteady, and now days i listen to a lot of classic R&B, motown, jazz.”
(Reverse evolved musically? Starting with nu-metal? There are so many problems here that I don’t even know where to begin. I mean, at least he ended up in the right spot (Motown, generally an excellent place to end up), but still. What does this really even mean? And I question his chronology! Ska predates Motown, last time I checked. Ok, I will stop being a musicologist now.)
“I’m half spaniard/half pilipino and black down there.”
(Does this make sense on any planet? Perhaps it does in the Pilipines.)
“you don’t even want burritos. you just wanna make-out with nerds.”
(OBVIOUSLY.)
“There are tears streaming down my face. I have the whole image in my head. Even if you aren’t interested, I’d love to be able to send you the script when I finish it, and eventually the short. Do you know of a place I can shot with and elevator and 20 stories?”
(Ok, so this is largely nonsensical, but I think it means this dude wants to turn my craigslist ad into a short film. So, I might actually write back to him to tell him that HE CAN’T unless I get to direct.)
“oh mee gee oh mee gee u basically sound like the female version of me!!! i f n love carne asade burritos with all my heart n soul ahahahah lmfaooooooooooooo no but really i do n chipotle is the shittttttt”
(Can someone explain to me the practice of repeating the last letters of words for emphasis? Don’t its practitioners realize that it results in utter nonsense? This girl I went to elementary school with does it all the time in her facebook status updates, but tends to do it on words that end in “e”, resulting in things like “I went for a bike rideeeeee!” and “drinking with the ladieeeeeeeeeeees” which I really wonder about. Does she pronounce those extra letters when she says those things?)
“Making out after having a Mexican food is not that sexy…lol.Making out after having fruit is much better”
(Ok, fine. Next time I will try “hey, baby, let’s go eat a fruit salad and then TOTALLY MAKE OUT.”)
And we can file this last one under “Most horrible thing I have ever read, makes me want to try to blow up the entire internet so that we can build a new one with no douchebags in it”:
“Hi there- I saw you on craigslist and thought I would say hi. and something about a big burrito that tears apart the tortilla sounds good every once in a while”
So yeah.
I gave both of the burrito coupons to a homeless man, and didn’t make out with anybody.