July | 2009 | Barbarella Psychadella 2009 July | Becoming a Great Woman of Letters, one jello mold at a time.

July, 2009

FIVE DAYS TO DINOSAUR DAY!!!!! Some of us are getting excited.

July 11, 2009 by ms. xandra

Dinosaur(ish) of the day: DIMETRODON!!!!!

“Ok, you guys, I am, like, SOOOOO not a dinosaur.” Oh my god,” groaned Nicole, a young Dimentrodon. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you guys this, but I am totally a synapsid. And we are way cooler than dinosaurs. Because we are fucking proto-mammals. Dinosaurs are fucking old school, and not in the good way that, like, Run DMC is old school. Dinosaurs are old school in the way that, like, that funny smell that’s in the air at your grandma’s house, like, you know, it’s kinda like mothballs mixed with, like, lilacs, and maybe cheese. You know that smell. Also, there’s some, like, fart mixed in. So, like, the smell of mothballs, lilacs, cheese and fart. Old people smell. That’s what kind of old school dinosaurs are. And they’re always getting all up in my face about not being a reptile. Well, I don’t know who gave them the idea that they’re the boss of me, but I can do whatever the hell I want. God.”

My back sail brings all the boys to the yard: “Ok, ok, so, like, the main difference between synapsids and reptiles is that reptiles have lower jaws made up of all kinds of little bones but we have just one big bone which is so obviously better. And also, reptiles, like for instance those totally gross-ass DINOSAURS, have two openings in their skulls that let their muscles attach their skulls to their jaws and we only have one, which really just shows that we are WAY BETTER and clearly on the way to evolving into mammals. And, ok, yeah, so maybe synapsids are still “mammal-like reptiles” and not actually mammals yet, but whatever. I don’t fucking care if I still have cold blood and I don’t fucking care if I don’t have mammary glands and I don’t fucking care if I still lay eggs. Because I’ve evolved canine teeth. Which is so bad-ass. And also, I have this fucking BACK SAIL which is so totally rad.”

“Yeah! A back sail. For realz. And, like, I can use it to regulate my body temperature and shit. But mostly it just looks awesome. My back sail is so fucking hot.”

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6 Days to Dinosaur Day!!!!

July 10, 2009 by ms. xandra

This is short today because I am a day behind in my countdown (SORRY! I meant to post a dinosaur last night, I got distracted by an important social engagement at Canter’s) and I want to get things back on track so that July 16^th arrives when it is supposed to. Also I am sorry that what follows is really just a musicology joke. Sometimes I can’t help myself.

Dinosaur of the Day: Parasaurolophus!

Parasaurolophus is the one with the duck bill. And the funny thing sticking out of its head. Scientists used to think the head crest was a snorkel, but then decided that was stupid, and now seem to think it was used to make noise. And it sounded like a foghorn. So, like, imagine having a bassoon growing out of your face. That sounds awesome.

“It can be difficult, you know, living the life of an artist. Relying only on the goodwill of the herd to support me. But it’s really the only option that I have if I want to be able to focus on my music,” said Milton, a young Parasaurolophus intent on pursuing a musical career. “Any Parasaur can hit a few notes on their cranial crest. But that’s not art. To be a true artist, you need to have soul. You need to have heart. I like to think that my music has both of those things. That it speaks authentically, not just of the Parasaurian condition, but also on a universal level. I know I don’t have a huge audience, but I really don’t care. I would sooner remain true to my artistic vision than sell out to appeal to plebeian Brontosaurs and Allosaurs. The point is not to cater to the public’s wishes. We are making irreversible, necessary progress towards music that is thrilling and new. But everyone knows that genius is rarely appreciated until after the fact and I look forward to my posthumous fame. Parasaur head crest orchestras will be playing my symphonies to sell-out crowds long after I am a fossil. And their audiences will finally see my music for what it truly is: a prehistoric universal language.”

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7 Days to Dinosaur Day!

July 9, 2009 by ms. xandra

Holy crap! That’s ONE WEEK!

Dinosaur of the Day: Troodon! (with optional umlaut over the second o.)

He blinded me with science: “I am currently developing plans to launch a satellite into orbit around the earth,” said Felix, a wily Troodon with a British accent. “If everything goes as planned, I should be able to use it to emit a radio signal that will alter the brainwave patterns of all of the Allosaurs on the planet. I shall then have full control over them. Imagine. A full army of Allosaurs at my command. Those damned Velociraptors won’t know what hit them. They’ve gotten it into their tiny little brains that they’re the most intelligent dinosaurs. Well, let me tell you, a starring role in a Spielberg film does not equate to intelligence. They’re nothing but flash, with no substance. They’ll learn someday very, very soon who REALLY has the largest dinosaur brain (relative to body size), and they’ll be sorry. And then I will take over the WORLD.”

“It’s all in the opposable digits, you see. I told my friend Rosa, she’s an Ankylosaurus, I said, ‘Rosa, you really ought to evolve yourself some of these. They’re the damndest things.’ I’m one of the only dinosaurs that has them, you know. They make cracking open a juicy Camarasaurus egg so much easier. And it goes without saying that make working in the lab so much easier. I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been to assemble that satellite without them. Thank the maker for those opposable digits, I say. Without them I would never be able to take over the world.

“Yes, the name Troodon means ‘wounding tooth,’ a stupid human misnomer. The serrated edges on our teeth have nothing to do with wounding; they make it easier to eat salad. I, personally, think that an omnivorous diet is a clear marker of worldliness and sophistication, which obviously indicates my fitness to rule the world.”

He came from planet dinosaur: “And speaking of human stupidity. PLEASE do not give the time of day to that utter crap about Dinosauroids. You’ve heard of this, I presume? Some idiot scientist in Ottawa seems to think that Troodons could evolve into some kind of humanoid-lizardman. It’s bollocks. I’m already perfectly evolved. I was, after all, sent from space, where a community of similarly perfect Troodons eagerly awaits my return. After I assume control over the Allosaurs of Earth, my next project will be to construct a craft of gargantuan size, in order to transport my monstrous army through the galaxy. I may have to first brainwash the sauropods so that I may enslave them to assist with construction, but that will be but a trifling task. And then – oh, but I dream of that glorious day! – then, we shall TAKE OVER THE GALAXY.”

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8 Days to Dinosaur Day!!!

July 8, 2009 by ms. xandra

Dinosaur of the Day: Camarasaurus!

Camarasaurs was essentially an Apatosaurus, but with a slightly different bone structure. Also, they were slightly smaller, but please don’t mention that to a Camarasaurus, as they can be touchy.

This is what it sounds like when dinosaurs cry: Philip, a Camarasaurus, told a Jurassic tale of loss and disenchantment. “People don’t understand what it’s like. They really don’t. You’d think, with the Apatosaurs so fixated on creating a unified sauropod front, you’d think there would be room for Camarasaurs. But no. No. Nobody ever remembers poor Camarasaurus. While the Apatosaurs rule, and the Brachiosaurs bask in glory, and the Diplodoci shine in the spotlight, and the Brontosaurs, those hideous, fraudulent impostors, rob what is rightfully ours, we are left alone, forlorn, feeling insignficant, like a disgusting, tiny mammal, crushed under a Tyrannosaurus’ foot. Dear god. Please…please go away. I just can’t bear to speak of it.

Let’s pretend we’re Brontosauruses: “Well…if you insist. If it will bring to light the plight of Camarasaurs the world over. Then I shall speak. It all began with the skull, of course. You’ve heard the tale, I presume – you know, about how that so-called “brontosaurus” skeleton is actually an Apatosaurus skeleton augmented with bits and pieces of other skeletons? Well, the skull once belonged to a Camarasaur. That skull once belonged to my mother. And now this idiot splinter group of Apatosaurs gallivants about, calling themselves “Brontosauruses,” stealing from our legacy, taking our place in the great cavalcade of long-necked sauropods! I ask you: do we not also have impressively long spines? Do we not also have rather enormous feet, capable of crushing skulls? Do we not also have that weird second brain-type thingy at the base of our spines like Stegosauruses do? Do we not have weird hollow bones that are lighter than those of most sauropods, thus making stomping accross the plains far more effcient? Why yes, we have all of those things. Why then, do we not have a place among the Apatosaurs, the Diplodoci, the Brachiosaurs – WHY HAS NOBODY EVER HEARD OF US???

If I Was Your Fossil: “And do you know what makes it worse? I will tell you. The first human to discover a Camarasaur fossil didn’t even see fit to keep it. Oramel W. Lucas, that sorry excuse for a paleontologist, up and sold it to the highest bidder. As though those bones were a thing. A toy to be bought and sold, and not the remains of a beautiful noble creature, a creature who should have been respected and revered, a creature with a mother and a father, and a name. Her name was Sophie. She was my first love.”

Dinosaurology: On an unrelated note, why do all early paleontologists have really elaborate names? Also, you should know about the enormously stupid Bone Wars.

It’s Camarasaurs!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_Drinker_CopeOra

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9 Days to Dinosaur Day!

July 7, 2009 by ms. xandra

Dinosaur(s) of the day (and also of yesterday): Brontosaurus and Apatosaurus!

A BRONTOSAURS SPEAKS: “I, personally, identify as a Brontosaurus,” said Rachel, “and I am just so sick and tired of all of these scientists and the popular media trying to pin an identity on me that isn’t one that I’ve chosen for myself. They just don’t understand. Just because you’ve got a long neck, doesn’t mean you fit in with those Apatosauruses.

“It used to be easier. It used to be that the sauropod community was fairly evenly split between Brontosaurus-identified and Apatosaurus-identified. But all of a sudden it wasn’t cool to be a Brontosaurus anymore. And to be an Apatosaurus was suddenly so hip. It’s like everyone watched some PBS documentary on Othniel Charles Marsh, was all like, ‘Dude, maybe those Apatosauruses are on to something,’ and jumped ship. And it’s become so political – like, identifying as Brontosaurus leads people to one whole set of assumptions – that you’re old-fashioned, behind the times, enjoy playing crokinole, voted for Harper – while those fucking Apatosauri are supposedly so ahead of the curve, so liberal, such revolutionary thinkers. Well, if they’re so cutting edge, why can’t they accept that not everyone wants to be the same? I mean, give me a break. And those old stereotypes about us Brontos – it’s just plain not true. I mean, I voted NDP in the last election. I buy organic lettuce. Arugula, even.”

AN APATOSAURUS SPEAKS: “Dinosaurs like Rachel are the reason we haven’t been able to establish any sort of effective political voice for herbivore sauropods,” complained Martin, a self-identified Apatosaurus. “The Apatosaurus community has been actively working to fight carnivore hegemony. But we can’t move any further ahead unless we can establish a unified front. Those ‘Brontosauruses’ are all so worried about maintaining their stupid ‘traditions,’ about upholding customs that are completely obsolete and have no place in contemporary dinosaur society. And, I mean, we’re willing to compromise. We’re willing to make allowances, to let ‘Brontosauruses’ hold on to their cultural identity, while encouraging them to become part of the larger Apatosaurus community. It’s really for their benefit, but they don’t get it. They’ve been fighting us all the way.

“I mean, ultimately what it comes down to is this: When the Allosaurus attack happens, and believe me, it will happen, do we want to be fragmented? Do we want to be scattered across the jungle in disorganized, ineffective packs? Or do we want to be unified? Do we want to stand together, and stand strong, and defend each other? Yeah. I thought so.”

SCIENCE SPEAKS: So, the Brontosaurus was “discovered” by Othneil Charles Marsh in 1879. He’d discovered the Apatosaurus two years prior, but because the supposed Brontosaurus skeleton was smaller and incomplete, he assumed it was a new dinosaur, and he sort of filled in the blanks in the skeleton from bones that were apparently just sort of lying around. In 1903, science noticed the error, and decided to stick with the name Apatosaurus, but the name Brontosaurus somehow made it into the popular imagination.

STAY TUNED TOMORROW: for a voice from the margins. The voice of the dinosaur whose head was mistakenly stuck on an Apatosaurus skeleton when March made his Brontosaurus, and who has lived with the stigma of this mistaken identity ever since. Have your box of tissues at the ready for the tragic tale of Camarasaurus.

Brontosaurus?

Apatosaurus?

Category Dinosaur! | Tags: | 6 Comments
Update

July 7, 2009 by ms. xandra

You may be thinking that I forgot to do a dinosaur profile for July 6, but you are wrong! Later today you can expect a special double-feature dinosaur of the day(s) which will more than compensate for a lack of dinosaur today.

In other news: I saw The New Pornographers and Tegan and Sara and Death Cab for Cutie at the Hollywood Bowl last night. The New Pornographers were great. Tegan and Sara were great. Death Cab for Cutie was fucking annoying. Is this what we feminists are fighting for gender equality for? So that mopey white boys can feel comfortable expressing their stupid feelings in the most irritating way possible? Dear god. Somewhere, de Beauvoir shakes her fist at the sky and bellows “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!” Also, my reaction to the last number, which involved fireworks and the LA Philharmonic, was “Really?” (which, incidentally, is my most favourite thing to write on student paper when they say something particularly dumb), followed closely by “the orchestration is awfully hamfisted.” This may indicate that the problem is me; that I am far too cynical for this earth. This is probably true.

Stay tuned tomorrow for: BRONTOSAURUS VS. APOTOSAURUS! FIGHT!

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11 Days to Dinosaur Day!!

July 5, 2009 by ms. xandra

It has been brought to my attention that, rather than providing you with general observations on entire dinosaur species, it might be more informative to get up close and personal with individual dinosaurs, to hear, in their own words, about the ins and outs of dinosaurian life.

Dinosaur of the Day: Helen, Stegosaurus

Most awesome feature/superpower: Helen says, “Well, it’s a toss up between the back plates and the tail spikes. The back plates are really helpful for letting off heat and cooling down. Sometimes that hot, prehistoric sun can really get a girl down. On the other hand, the tail spikes are really good for smashing skulls. Hmm. Yeah. It’s gotta be the tail spikes.”

Fun fact: Stegosaurian tail spikes are actually referred to as Thagomizers, a term coined by Gary Larson, a true genius of our time.

Even awesomer physical feature: Helen got defensive when I asked about her body size to brain ratio. “Just because I’m the size of a bus and have a brain the size of a walnut doesn’t mean I’m an idiot, you know. And I have feelings. I may be cold blooded, but I’ve got a heart, goddammit. A less level-headed dinosaur might not take that kind of insensitivity in stride, “ she said, her Thagomizer stirring ominously. And then Helen taught me something I didn’t know about Stegosauruses, something that, in my opinion, might be even awesomer than Thagomizers. “And we’ve got that second brain, you know.” She said it like it was nothing. Surprised, I asked what she was talking about. “Well, it’s at the base of our spinal cords. It controls reflexes for our back ends. And it’s TWENTY TIMES BIGGER than our walnut brains. So there.” Um, awesome!

What exactly is a stego? Helen told me that the name stegosaurus has its origins in the debate over what those back plates were for. “See, some paleontologists think we can move them. Like, to arm one side of our body or the other if there’s some big dumb Allosaurus trying to take a bite. So the name means “roof lizard,” because apparently they thought the plates were like a roof. I think it’s a stupid name. I’m lobbying the scientific community to change it to ‘plurimus-mirusaurus.’ Which means ‘most wonderful lizard.’ It would be much more appropriate.”

So, do the back plates actually move? “Damned if I’m telling! That’s a trade secret.”

So, how did it feel to be named the official State Dinosaur of Colorado? “States have official dinosaurs?”

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12 Days to Dinosaur Day!

July 4, 2009 by ms. xandra

DINOSAUR OF THE DAY: ALLOSAURUS!

I like rooting for the underdog. Allosaurus is basically the same as a Tyrranosaurus Rex, but slightly smaller, but we never hear squat about Allosauri. Also, Allosaurus means “Different Lizard,” which can’t be good for the ol’ self esteem. “I wanted to be just like T-Rex, but instead I’m DIFFERENT.” It’s a tragic tale.

Fun facts:

Salad or Steak? Steak.

Any extended family? There are at least 7 documented species of Allosaurus.

When did Allosaurus roam the earth? Late Jurrassic!

Did Allosaurus have many friends? TOTALLY! They hunted in packs!

How fresh did Allosaurus like its meat? Still kicking. While there is speculation that Tyrannosaurus Rexes were scavengers, Allosaurus was totally a predator. Here is an exciting quote from wikipedia, reliable source on everything ever thought of:

There is dramatic evidence for allosaur attacks on Stegosaurus , including an Allosaurus tail vertebra with a partially healed puncture wound that fits a Stegosaurus tail spike, and a Stegosaurus neck plate with a U-shaped wound that correlates well with an Allosaurus snout.

Doesn’t that sound so totally badass? Please feel free to debate the outcome of Stegosaurus vs. Allosaurus in the comment thread below.

Also, look at this wonderfully epic Allosaurus portrait, which is actually available for purchase (you KNOW you want to bring it home!):

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13 Days to Dinosaur Day!

July 3, 2009 by ms. xandra

DINOSAUR OF THE DAY: ANKYLOSAURUS!!

Fun facts:

If Ankylosaurus was dining at a fine restaurant would it order steak or salad? Salad!

What is Ankylosaurus’ most awesome characteristic/superpower? At the end of its tail, there is a bony club that it can use to smash its enemies! Also it is speculated that these bony clubs had something to do with sex. But this is a family blog (not really, actually) so we’re not going to go there. Also it had thick plates covering its body. And spikes. Ankylosaurus is actually part of a larger family of Ankylosauria who are similar.

When did it roam the earth? From the early Jurassic period through to the end of the Cretaceous period – that’s a long time!

Dubious fact that I found on some random geocities website: Apparently Ankylosaurus was one of the last species of dinosaur to bite the big one. I am inclined to believe this, as all that armour makes them pretty bad ass.

Want to know more about Ankylosaurus? There’s this great book on google books that even has pictures! I highly reccomend the diagram on page 10 where the locations of Ankylosaurus’ tail knob and eyelids are helpfully indicated.

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DINOSAUR COUNTDOWN!!!!!

July 3, 2009 by ms. xandra

July 16th is Dinosaur Day! Dinosaur Day is an important holiday that I have invented to commemorate the extinction of the dinosaurs. I have exciting plans for Dinosaur Day, but you will have to wait for the Dinosaur Day Photo Essay that I will publish on July 17th to find out what those plans are.

But because July 16th, will be so awesome, I am having a countdown because countdowns are great!* For each day from now until Dinosaur Day, I will be featuring a different Dinosaur as Dinosaur-of-the-Day! AWESOME!

*Hopefully having a countdown won’t jinx Dinosaur Day. The last time I tried to have a countdown to something totally awesome was that time in high school when Lisa and I got tickets to go to Edgefest because Silverchair was headlining and we were both SO INTO SILVERCHAIR (and, yes, this was long after Silverchair was actually popular. Forgive me, for I was young and naive and for some reason thought Daniel Johns was hot (look, my teenage years were a DARK TIME), and I am pleased to say that I have not listened to Silverchair since high school), so we had this really awesome Countdown to Silverchair Day chart posted inside my locker at school and we would cross off a box on the countdown every day, you know, like you do. And then the day before Silverchair Day I was thinking to myself, “Man, wouldn’t it suck if Silverchair cancelled? THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.” And then I checked the Silverchair website, where an annoucement was posted about how Silverchair had just cancelled all of their gigs for the next year because Daniel Johns had a “wasting disease.” So we went to Edgefest and Nickleback headlined and it was stupid. But I did get to see Hand of Doom, which is Melissa Auf Der Maur‘s Black Sabbath tribute band, so I probably shouldn’t complain. And also 30 Seconds to Mars was playing on, like, the THIRD stage, and Jared Leto was such a fucking diva that he took 20 minutes to do soundcheck for a 30 minute set and then insisted on starting the set by marching through the audience with his electric guitar. WHAT AN AUSPICIOUS DAY IN MY LIFE. Dinosaur Day is going to be SO MUCH BETTER.

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