Can you imagine my delight when, at the South Bank Book Market, I discovered a copy of the 1963 Girl Annual? I had promised myself not to buy any books while abroad (they are heavy!) but I promptly dispensed with that solemn vow within less than a week of arriving in London. (because you can ship them home! That’s what the Royal Mail is for, right?)
Anyhow. I am so excited about my copy of the Girl Annual, that, were it possible, I would join the cover girl and stand on the top of a ski slope and grin until I was red in the face.
There is SO MUCH to learn from Girl Annual! There is something for everyone! Just look at the table of contents! There is ballet, there are adventures, there are romantic castles! You can learn about stenciled cushion covers, romantic castles, and fencing! And somebody named Monsieur Potato! (Spoiler: sadly, Monsieur Potato is not a story about Mr. Potato-Head’s adventures in Paris, but is, instead, about Louis XVI thinking potatoes are a good idea.)
But let’s see what else we can learn from Girl Annual, shall we?
Eilly Bowers, Pioneer Millionaress! Pioneers and millionaresses, these are categories that I assume to be mutually exclusive, based on my elementary school history classes and childhood love of Laura Ingalls Wilder, both of which taught me that pioneering was shitty because you were always living in rudimentary houses made of sticks or eating salt meat or dying of dysentery and/or consumption. But now I have learned, from Girl Annual, that one can live the dream of a Little House on the Prairie, while also enjoying modern conveniences such as millions of dollars!
I read this story, and it is less about masks than it is about hairpieces. Basically the story is: Sandra is shy. She goes to the masquerade and acts like her True Self that She Has Hidden All of These Years because she is in disguise so nobody knows that it is her! BUT THEN it turns out that she forgot to put on her wig, and everyone knew it was her all along because of her curly hair, and they ALL LIKED HER ANYHOW. What can we learn from Sandra’s story? We can learn that I need another glass of wine before I read more Girl Annual.
Instruments of the world! For the Girl who wants to be an ethnomusicologist. My favorite is the horn player. The caption reads “European playing a French Horn.” I hope they mean European in the euphemistic sense, as in “his predilection for bowties and good grooming seems awfully…European.”
Clearly this story needs a subtitle, and that subtitle needs to be “A TALE OF TERROR by Stephen King.”
And speaking of Tales of Terror! Do you know what more publications need today? They need drippy horror movie font. I love drippy horror movie font. Back when I used to sing in a church choir in undergrad, the church ladies were having a tube sock drive for the homeless. And the poster for this event was done in drippy horror movie font. ”TUBE SOCK DRIVE: A TALE OF TERROR.” Anyhow, good font, well done, Girl Annual.
YES! I am very excited to learn about America’s first SPACE GIRL! I want to be America’s first space girl! Hey, Girl Annual, tell us what it takes to become America’s first space girl!
How to become a Space Girl: Get frozen in carbonite.
And speaking of ethnomusicologists!
This picture needs a new caption. Here, I have thought of one: Peggy Seeger has giant monster hands. Her husband, Ewan MacColl, is from Williamsburg and plays in some band you’ve never heard of.
And no girl-oriented publication would be complete without a teen hearthrob! Like…Burt Lancaster. Who would have been a young, virile 50-year-old in 1963. Nothing creepy here. Moving along.
But, really, no girl-oriented publication would be complete without an important lesson about fashion that makes us feel inadequate! Thanks, Girl Annual, for showing me that all girls, fat and thin, can all feel vaguely ashamed of our bodies TOGETHER!