Barbarella Psychadella » Academe

A desperate epistle from the land of Higher Education

ms. xandra — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 04:42:03 +0000

Ways in which my students have spelled “The Shangri-Las”:

The Shringa-Las,

The Shrangris Las,

The Shingles,

The Shir La Las,

The Rondelles,

The Rockets.

Artists my students have identified as the performer of “I Can See For Miles,” by The Who:

The Byrds,

The Beatles,

The Rolling Stones,

The Beach Boys,

(and all of the above seem like completely understandable mistakes but the next two are totally inexplicable,)

The Drifters,

The Everly Brothers.

IN OTHER NEWS: So much other news! But the most important other news at the moment is: JULY 16th IS DINOSAUR DAY!!!! Oh yes. I bet you thought I didn’t mean it when I went ahead and invented a holiday last year. Oh, but did I ever mean it. And if you think I am ever going to let July 16th pass again without commemorating the loss of the late, great, dinosaurs, boy howdy, are you mistaken. SO STAY TUNED! This year I am going to invent some kind of dinosaur cake, perhaps a cherpumple variant? But for now it will remain a thrilling mystery!

Adventurtimes!

ms. xandra — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 08:20:49 +0000

So I went to Seattle for the Pop Conference! It was pretty successful, I’d say: I met lots of cool folks, and managed to not make out with Chuck Klosterman or similar (this was facilitated by the fact that Chuck Klosterman was not there; and I was accompanied by my gentleman caller, who may have frowned upon such behaviour). And I gave a paper about Lady Gaga, so that was pretty neat. I have come so far as a scholar! It was but a year ago that my students in the LGBT Pop class were all turning in terrible papers about Poker Face and I was like “who is the Lady Gaga that the young folk are so excited about?” Ah, yes. Don’t say we’re not busy doing important things over here in Musicologyland.

And also I think you’ll be able to download and listen to my talk on iTunes University! I’ll let you know if this actually happens. This is pretty cool, but also slightly mortifying, because it means that my technological snafus are forever immortalized, as is the moment in my presentation when I meant to say Jay-Z but accidentally said Kanye instead. But oh well. Nobody’s perfect.

I accidentally managed to book us into the Shepard Fairey room at the hipster hotel. I mean, I intentionally booked us into the hipster hotel (it was cheap and has free waffles at breakfastime!) but I did not bargain for the Shepard Fairey room, which meant having to cope with this wallpaper for four days:

Also, this icon, which clearly indicates “milk bottle, present, Hershey Kiss,” was on the little cabinet in the room, and the cabinet did not contain any of these things, so I must assume it is hipster code for “towels, condoms, coffee,” which is what the cabinet did contain. MYSTERIOUS! I am still disappointed that I didn’t get any Hershey’s Kisses, but I probably shouldn’t complain because there were, indeed, those waffles.

As is my wont, I dragged my gentleman caller stumbling through Seattle on a steady diet of neon and donuts:

And we went to the Greenwood Space Travel Supply Company, where I bought a map of the known universe.

I am ten years behind in emails right now – Canadian friends, I will write you tomorrow, I swear it on the ghost of Annette Funicello’s girlish figure.

WWBD?*

ms. xandra — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 18:03:59 +0000

One of the worst things about coming home for vacation from graduate school is that most people don’t really understand what gradute school is or why anyone would want to really bother with it, so I have consequently had to spend a lot of time justifying my (admittedly, sometimes poor) life choices to, like, everybody I know over the age of 30, including but not limited to my grandparents, my former choir conductor, parents of friends, my 8th grade teacher, and, even though my parents are very supportive and never question what I am doing, I feel strangely compelled to constantly remind them that I am not wasting my life, so I talk loudly about All of These Conferences I Have Successfully Presented My Work At and also That Journal Article That I Will Theoretically Publish Some Day and also People I Know With Tenure-Track Jobs.

So anyhow, constantly having to justify my existence has naturally resulted in a minor existential crisis. The thing is, I know why I am in gradute school. I am getting a Ph.D. because, fuck y’all, I want to. I really like to research and I really like to write, and I really like to teach, and one day, UCLA came along and offered to give me money for doing those things, which is a pretty sweet deal. The question remains, however, of what I will do with myself when I am done. Ideally, I would like an academic job somewhere. Ideally. But we all know how totally crappy the academic job market ALWAYS is, so I am a realist, and I know that I might end up doing something else, and I am really totally ok with that, because I know that while academia is what I am doing right now, it isn’t what I have to do with the rest of my life because there are lots of other things I could do.

I know that.

But because everybody asks me what I am going to do when I’m done, and because I don’t really know what I’m going to do when I’m done, I was kind of freaking out. I was freaking out until I told Tanya about how I was freaking out, and then Tanya said the most useful thing anybody has ever said to me. She said that when I’m done I should just Do Whatever the Fuck I Want.

And it was like a light went on! I can do whatever the fuck I want! I have no children, I have no husband, I have no house, and while Some People might see that as a bad thing, it is actually totally awesome, because it means that whenever I want, I can just drop everything and Do Whatever the Fuck I Want with my life. It’s weird because sometimes I feel like I should be establishing some kind of nest somewhere, but I don’t really want to, because I have more important things to do.

So I am going to do it. I am going to pursue my dream of becoming a Great Woman of Letters (a job title that I have invented that means Whatever the Fuck I Want it To Mean).

First, though, I do have things to deal with right now, namely the problems of I Don’t Know Who My Dissertation Advisor Will Be And Maybe I Should Make Up My Mind About That, and also I Just Sent My First Ever Article Manuscript Out to a Journal and Am Consequently Filled With Self-Doubt, but I’m sure those things will resolve themselves somehow.

*What would Barbarella do?

North Carolina in review

ms. xandra — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 02:41:10 +0000

I like it here. Last night, we went out for to a bar and I had two beers and my two beers cost a magical three dollars, total. Like, what is this? Mecca? And the night before, I had a glass of wine with dinner that cost $2.95. And it was full. None of this half-filled glass bullshit, this was a GLASS OF WINE.

ALSO it is very lovely here. It reminds me of home, but a bit greener and with really giant magnolia trees. I thought my mother had a giant magnolia in her backyard, it turns out hers is but middling.

ALSO ALSO the hushpuppies at Prissy Polly’s are better than the ones at the Gumbo Pot in LA. Sorry, Gumbo Pot. But, hey, your sweet potato salad still wins.

The only problem with North Carolina is that it was hard to find a place to have lunch today, and then it was hard to find a place to have dinner, because it turns out people believe in all that god stuff here, so things are actually closed on Sunday. I know, weird, right?

Oh, and the conference. The conference was so great. It was really exciting because I was presenting work that deals with issues that are kind of new and different in musicology, and that I was a little apprehensive about it because I wasn’t sure how it would be received, but it was received so warmly, far beyond my expectations. So that’s awesome. It turns out that maybe I’m sort of clever after all, even though most days I feel like a babbling idiot.

And now I should probably go to bed because my plane leaves at 5:00 in the morning because for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to book that particular departure, when actually it was a stupid idea. That’s what I get for thinking I’m clever.

99 problems and a master’s exam ain’t one.

ms. xandra — Mon, 25 May 2009 07:46:58 +0000

I am clawing my way out of the abyss to let you know that:

1. I have finished writing my exams! An entire day early! Which means that tomorrow is for sleeping in and editing and printing and then having a drink.

2. Wednesday I am jet-setting it off to North Carolina for Feminist Theory and Music, where I will be talking about Beth Ditto.

3. I invented a drink for Sam tonight. I said “I am going to have a martini. What are you going to have?” He said, “I need a bibliography.” I said “how about I invent you a drink called a bibliography?” It goes like this (and kudos to VV, my bartending consultant):

A splash of Grandma (ie: Grand Marnier)

A splash of Grandpa (ie: Old Grandad Bourbon)

A splash of brandy

Earl Grey Tea

Steep, serve piping hot.

Verdict: “It was very strong. It tasted like Grand Marnier.” I would call that an endorsement.

Oh My Heavens.

ms. xandra — Thu, 21 May 2009 05:48:35 +0000

1. I am writing to you on a new computer, because my old computer died, sort of, or something. The screen was weirdly flickering the other day. And then today it weirdly flickered and then went black. And then I tried the ol’ turn-it-off-and-turn-it-on-again trick, only it wouldn’t turn on again. It was dead. So I brought it to the tech support guys, who were useless (helpful quotes: “You seem to have a problem with your computer,” and also “You could sell it for parts,”) and then I called my dad, and he told me to get a new computer and so I did. Good thing I suffer from acute paranoia and thus back up my data obsessively.

2. A long-overdue story:

Last Friday, VV and I went on a nautical tour of Koreatown. Koreatown is kind of impenetrable at the best of times, and when you try to apply a boat theme to it, it just becomes ridiculous. We began our adventure at Cafe Jack, LA’s one and only Titanic (as in, Titanic, the movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio)-themed restaurant, I hope. And also, it is in a big fake boat. And they serve tea and coffee and sushi (we had the Jack and Rose Roll) and weird fusion food, compelling presented via a poorly translated menu with no English descriptions. We ordered the pizza cutlet, because who doesn’t want to know what a pizza cutlet is? Boring people, that’s who. It turns out a pizza cutlet is a chicken cutlet . . . fried, breaded, and covered in pizza toppings. (I was disappointed because I was expecting a slice of pizza wrapped in meat.) We chose not to order the skewer fish cake pod, because there are only two words in that name that are actually edible things, and they are not two things that really should be eaten together.

From there, we went to the Brown Derby. The Brown Derby was that famous restaurant shaped like a hat that all the old Hollywood stars went to, only now, the original site of the Derby has been made into a mini mall. However, in the interests of historical preservation or of madness, the Derby itself was not demolished, but placed atop the mini mall, like a crown, and now it houses a bar called The Red, where I ordered a gin and tonic and was given a gin and club soda.

And then we went to the HMS Bounty. A nautical bar full of old people, with signs on wall that say things like “Happy 100th Birthday Doris.” It was WONDERFUL.

And then, as part of my research project on boys, we watched The Big Lebowski, which, it turns out, is even less sensical and more impenetrable than Koreatown. (Like, seriously you guys, can someone explain to me why every straight boy loves this movie? I even asked my most trusted straight boy colleague and he couldn’t satisfactorily explain it.)

3. I have a cold. It keeps migrating to various parts of my body. I wish it would leave my chest, and go to, like, my knee, or something.

4. Friday I start my MA exams. I am using them as an excuse to order lots of takeout.

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh C’thulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn

ms. xandra — Thu, 07 May 2009 08:04:56 +0000

1. Oh, god, there is too much to do! Once upon a time I thought it would be a good idea to write my MA exams, attend a conference in North Carolina, and organize a conference at UCLA all in the same month, and now that month is upon me, and it turns out it was a stupid idea. OH WELL. No time to buy groceries; guess I’ll just get scurvy.

2. Remember last time I wrote a blog post and I was all like “I’m going to start giving a word of the week every week!” Well, I actually meant it. This week’s word is PENGUIN. Once upon a time a few weeks ago, my friends and I were watching The Terror of Tiny Town, a 1938 film that happens to be the world’s first musical Western with an all-midget cast. (I know, right?) So, anyhow, there was this one scene where they were at the neighbourhood tonsorial parlour and then all of a sudden the action stopped, there was an inexplicable shot of a penguin, and then the action resumed again. And we were all like “WHY WAS THERE THAT PENGUIN?” “I DON’T KNOW.” Thus, the “penguin” of the movie is the thing that happens in the movie that stops the action for a period of time and does not serve to advance the plot at all. Sam has correctly identified the Barbara Striesand Walks Down the Stairs in a Fancy Dress and Sings a Song scene as the penguin of Hello, Dolly. Sam wins this week’s vocabulary quiz, and he didn’t even know he was playing.

3. I have some thoughts about Lady Gaga but they are far to complex to reveal right now. I must let this percolate. I know you are dying to know what I think of Lady Gaga.

4. Los Angeles would be better if everything currently named “Beverly” (Beverly Hills, Beverly Glen, Beverly Blvd., The Beverly Center, Beverly Crusher, etc.) was renamed “CTHULHU.” Are you worried about zombies? Stop worrying about zombies. WORRY ABOUT CTHULHU INSTEAD.

Ollalieberry:

ms. xandra — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 07:02:39 +0000

Actually a thing.

(A mutant thing, but still, a thing.)

(I do, however, remain dubious about a berry that needs to be explained using a flowchart.)

Other important news: I have just managed to work the phrase “Outer Space is for Lovers” into an academic paper; I have therefore reached the pinnacle of my academic career and they should just give me the damn Ph.D. so we can all go home.

Nightmares of the bookish and nerdy

ms. xandra — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 03:48:35 +0000

Last night I had a dream that I had submitted an abstract of my Amy Winehouse paper to the AMS and they sent it back to me in the mail with every sentence crossed out in red pen. And also “FALSE” was written in the margins, beside every sentence that had been crossed out in red pen. And I cried and I was like “but I read Amy, Amy, Amy: The Amy Winehouse Story so closely and thoroughly! How could my entire theoretically framework be flawed?” But it was. And then I failed as a musicologist.

And that is the story of why I’m glad I didn’t submit anything to the AMS conference this year!

My personal favourite is “stake driven through the heart.”

ms. xandra — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 08:34:37 +0000

Hey, remember that time I got really depressed about boys and started quoting Sylvia Plath, like an angsty 17-year-old? I promise it won’t happen again, at least not this month (note that there is hardly a week left to the month).

But anyhow. On to more important things, like…

DJ mixing class! So great. It is me and Shelina and a bunch of 18-year-old boys who needed to be told that the term “mix tape: comes from “cassette tape” which were these things we used to record stuff onto back in the 1990s. Golly. This week I am going to mix The Shangri-Las with MC Lyte and it is going to be super awesome. Also, today I picked up a record of horror movie sound effects (including: Arm Chopped Off, Sawing Leg Off, Grave Digging (In Stoney Ground), Grave Digging (In Wet Ground), Eerie Wind, Weird Wind, Wind Howling in Ship’s Rigging, and, inexplicably, The Electronic Swamp), which clearly means that I am going to be named Most Likely to Succeed by my DJ School Yearbook.

And now bedtime, for a have a long day ahead of me tomorrow in which I will read that entire Paul Gilroy book and think of lots of intelligent things to say about it for my meeting on Wednesday.

Oh, hey, also: someone is finally starting a Fringe Festival in Los Angeles! Which means that I might finally have a venue for this one-woman show I am working on (as of this morning) about how shitty everything is! Tanya is my Associate Producer. WE’LL SEE YOU AT THE TONY AWARDS!!!!!