Armed with seven hours worth of educational paleontology podcasts, we ventured forth to Apple Valley, California (stopping along the way at the Donut Man, in Glendora, the Official Donut Purveyor of Dinosaur Day), home of the now tragic, crumbling Apple Valley Dinosaurs.

What was once a magnificent . . . mini golf course, is now a tragic monument to the loss of our long-departed lizardly overlords.  I braved six inches of barbed wire to get close to one, and, apart from that time at the Cabazon Dinosaurs, and that time at the Natural History Museum, and that time at Science North when I was five, and that time at the Bruce County Museum, and all of those other times when I’ve stood next to fake and/or reconstructed dinosaur skeletons, it was the closest I’d ever been to a dinosaur.

So, I cannot over-emphasize the strangeness of this place, you know?  Wire and cement skeletons of fake dinosaurs were everywhere, a few had vestiges of their original paint jobs, and it was so hot and desolate.  I’m fascinated by the strangely melancholic desert cities in the middle of California – who are the people who choose to live there and why?Once, the area was booming, but it certainly isn’t anymore.  And, most importantly, who builds their dinosaur golf course out there?  My theory is that since Apple Valley is Route 66-adjacent, it might have been a tourist draw once, but now, there is nothing surrounding it.  Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Anyhow, we stopped at the Route 66 Museum in Victorville because it was there and because it was free, and it was fascinating too.  They have a 9 foot tall hula girl statue from Hulaville, which looms large over the entire museum, and which Aaron completely failed to notice because he is an oblivious boy who was busy reading the descriptions of antique radios.  And also the Route 66 Museum is right next to a Wonder Bread/Hostess warehouse store (yes, really) so next time we go out into the middle of the desert for no good reason I am going to buy a gross of Twinkies.

And then we were off to Peggy Sue’s Diner and Diner-saur park.  If you’re going to have a giant 50′s diner with an entrance shaped like a jukebox, you need something to distinguish yourself from all of the other 50′s diners.  And apparently that thing is dinosaurs.  And to think I was already excited that there were sandwiches named after Fabian and Frankie Avalon and Richard Nixon!  I could eat a Frankie Avalon sandwich AND ALSO there were dinosaurs.

And King Kong, don’t forget King Kong.

And in case anyone needed any help with dinosaur identification, voila!  A handy guide to dinosaur taxonomy:

And then we went home and watched The Land that Time Forgot, which had WONDERFUL and TERRIBLE fake dinosaurs in it and also cave men and Really Excellent Science.  Although it did suffer from a little too much “we are on a German U-boat and not very pleased about it”-style exposition before we got to the actual dinosaurs, but they were such good actual dinosaurs that I can’t complain much.  We also made our own Special Edition Dinosaur Day Ice Cream by throwing vanilla ice cream in the stand mixer with blue food coloring, malt balls, chocolate chips, and marshmallows, which, somehow, stands for dinosaur?  Whatever, it was awesome.

I am thinking that for next Dinosaur Day we need to do something really big, and maybe actually involving real dinosaurs, like volunteering on a paleontology dig or something?  Whatever we do it will be amazing because Dinosaur Day is officially the BEST DAY OF THE YEAR.

There are more Dinosaur Day pictures on that facebook thing, if you want ‘em.

Dozens of dinosaur pictures await!  There are lots, so this is split into two posts.

An apatosaurus in the distance!

Some scenic rocky desert (exciting fo those of us who are Canadian and used to trees and rocks and water)

WELCOME TO CREATIONIST LAND!

Outside the entrance was a welcoming serpent.

We made friends with it!

DINOSAURS HAVE GIANT TEETH!

Luckily I am a sassy lady adventurer who is quite capable of subduing them.

For sale: dinosaurs. And also a dragon.

Apatosaurus army!

Apatosaurus army!

Inside the belly of the apatosaur!

A view up the tail of the apatosaurus

OMINOUS!

I have successfully subdued this tyrannosaurus.

This dinosaur's neck is securely held on with a piece of burlap.

Nikki is totally prepared to kick dinosaur ass.

A dinosaur chorus line.

More pictures!  Next post!

Anyhow, I thought it was important to give you, you know, the theoretical framework we’re working with before getting to the actual dinosaur displays.  Not that any of this actually requires, say, logic or sense or anything.  In fact, it’s probably best if you put logic on the shelf.

See below the jump for photos.

Click to embiggen!  Because you want to read these signs for yourself, really you do.

The theory of evolution is actually religious dogma!

Creationists get kids while they're young by giving them stylish t-shirts.

DINOSAURS CAN TALK!

Evolution could not happen because of . . . the second law of thermodynamics?

Dinosaurs go to church!

Plate tectonics happens really really fast!

Scientists have been wrong for years!

Ancient people made dinosaur models out of play-doh! Therefore dinosaurs and humans coexisted.

Feathers evolving from scales? THAT IS SILLY!

Dinosaurs aren't excinct. THEY ARE ONLY HIDING.

My relative is the one on the top right.

Carbon Dating: LIES!

Carbon dating: still lies.

Every animal ever just suddenly appeared one day! Thus there is a god.

DNA: Still somehow proof of evolution never happening.

Oh, well. That settles things.

UP NEXT:  If humans coexist with robotic dinosaurs, does that mean that dragons are real?

How did you celebrate dinosaur day?  I hope you celebrated it by roaring at people and telling them to Never Forget the Dinosaurs.  I did some of that, but mostly what I did on Dinosaur Day was ROAD TRIP!

Along with two of my most intrepid and adventurous associates, I journeyed into the expanses of the desert (ie: to somewhere near Palm Springs) to go to the Cabazon Dinosaurs.  You have probably seen the Cabazon Dinosaurs.  They’re in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure!  And they’re the largest fake dinosaurs in the world!  They were built in the 1960s, and they used to be a real dinosaur museum.  They are still a dinosaur musem, but with an extra special twist:  a few years ago, the Cabazon dinosaurs were bought by CREATIONISTS!  So basically, we had a really good time.  And we learned SO MUCH about DINOSAURS.

The photo essay is after the jump!   This is the first part of our trip.  Exciting Dinosaurs are coming in part two!

Before we ventured into the desert, it was very important that we stop for provisions.  Specifically, it was very important that we stop for provisions at The Donut Man in Glendora.  Because at The Donut Man, you can get these:

Donuts filled with fresh strawberries! Amazing.

Art shot: Part-time paleontologists reflected in donut window.

We stopped at a Bob's Big Boy for a sodapop/bathroom break.

And I took the opportunity to vamp like an idiot in my roadtrip sunglasses.

Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3, titled respectively, “Look at all these dinosaurs!” and “What I learned from Creationists.”

“It’s true,” said Harrison, a Tyrannosaurus Rex.  “I am just as awesome as they say I am.  Awesomer, actually.

“I think that, for the sake of argument, it might be necessary to enumerate all of the ways in which I am so obviously awesome.  And, by the way, I mean awesome in every possible sense of the word.  So, like, not only am I totally ‘awesome’ meaning, like, really great and groovy and totally the best ever, I am also ‘awesome’ as in awe-inspiring and amazing and fear-evoking.  Especially fear evoking.  Have I evoked fear in you yet? No?  Here, look at all of these giant teeth I’ve got.  Yeah, that’s right.  I told you I was fear evoking.

“So anyhow, yeah.  I’m even awesome than they say I am.  There’s the teeth, right?  And then just the sheer size of my head.  That, combined with the sheer size of my tail makes for a whole lot of sheer size.  6.8 metric tonnes of sheer size.  That is awesome.

“Speaking of my tail, it has forty vertebrae.  That’s a pretty awesome number of vertebrae.  Oh, and have you heard about my eyes?  I have super awesome vision.  My eyes are like a pair of binoculars, but inside my head.  That is awesome.  Really awesome.  I was able to regulate my own body temperature, which makes me awesomer than most dinosaurs.  And I could run, like, 70 kilometres an hour, which is pretty awesomely fast.

“And my teeth can CRUSH BONE.  AWESOME.   I dare anyone to find anything about me that isn’t awesome.

“If you mention my tiny arms I’ll eat your face.”

Did you know that Triceratops is a lover, and not a fighter?  Wikipedia told me that they may have used those horns for courtship rituals, rather than for attacking each other.

These dinosaurs are TOTALLY ABOUT TO MAKE OUT, everybody.

Alfred is the Triceratops poet laureate.  Alfred is in love.

“Your three horns gleam
In the cretaceous sun
Blinding my eyes
While warming my cold, reptile heart.

I dream of the forthcoming
Cretaceous-Tertiary-Extinction Event.
The world will erupt
In flames,
As do my reptilian loins,
At the thought of you.

And when the fires cease,
And cool mountain breezes
Send away flues of dark smoke,
I know that we will be left,
You and I,
The last Triceratopses on earth.

And the earth will be our domain,
And we will rule with our love.
For three horns may be wonderful,
But there is something better yet.

Three horns and three horns together:
Six horns.”

Dinosaur of the Day: Megalosaurus!

“I just don’t understand those young dinosaurs these days.  These new fangled back sails.  Head crests.  I just don’t know.  I worry, you know.  It frightens me, these moves towards mammalism.”

“We did so much important work when I was young.  So much work.  These children, they just don’t understand.  They don’t understand.  And then they make fun of us for not having any canine teeth.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.

“Did you know?  Did you know that Megalosaurus was the FIRST dinosaur ever found by a human?  No, I bet you didn’t.  All you care about are those new-fangled dinosaurs like Velociraptors and Troodons and, heck, even Tyrannosaurs.  Those Tyrannosaurs are children compared to us. Have I ever told you about the time a human scientist found the first Megalosaur bone?  I have?  Well, you’ve probably forgotten, so let me tell you again.  They found it in 1763.  1763!  And they thought it was a from a gigantic human.  More proof than you ever needed that mammals are idiots if you ask me.  It was the bottom of a Megalosaur femur, not part of some imaginary giant human.  Idiots.  I’ll say it again.  Idiots.

“And as if that weren’t proof enough of the tomfoolery of those new-fangled mammals, well, you will never believe what happened next.  They decided that that piece of bone looked an awful lot like balls.  Yes.  Balls.  As in testicles.  Balls.  So they decided to name the species ‘scrotum humanum.’  I could not make this up if I tried.  Those idiot humans have even written about it in their sacred texts.

“It doesn’t matter, really.  It doesn’t matter if young dinosaurs think they’re more mammal than reptile.  It doesn’t matter if humans think the bottom of my femur looks like testicles.  It doesn’t matter because I am going to eat all of their faces for lunch.”

“Ok, you guys, I am, like, SOOOOO not a dinosaur.”  Oh my god,”  groaned Nicole, a young Dimentrodon.  “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you guys this, but I am totally a synapsid.  And we are way cooler than dinosaurs.  Because we are fucking proto-mammals.  Dinosaurs are fucking old school, and not in the good way that, like, Run DMC is old school.  Dinosaurs are old school in the way that, like, that funny smell that’s in the air at your grandma’s house, like, you know, it’s kinda like mothballs mixed with, like, lilacs, and maybe cheese.  You know that smell.  Also, there’s some, like, fart mixed in.  So, like, the smell of mothballs, lilacs, cheese and fart.  Old people smell.  That’s what kind of old school dinosaurs are.  And they’re always getting all up in my face about not being a reptile.  Well, I don’t know who gave them the idea that they’re the boss of me, but I can do whatever the hell I want.  God.”

My back sail brings all the boys to the yard: “Ok, ok, so, like, the main difference between synapsids and reptiles is that reptiles have lower jaws made up of all kinds of little bones but we have just one big bone which is so obviously better.  And also, reptiles, like for instance those totally gross-ass DINOSAURS, have two openings in their skulls that let their muscles attach their skulls to their jaws and we only have one, which really just shows that we are WAY BETTER and clearly on the way to evolving into mammals.  And, ok, yeah, so maybe synapsids are still “mammal-like reptiles” and not actually mammals yet, but whatever.  I don’t fucking care if I still have cold blood and I don’t fucking care if I don’t have mammary glands and I don’t fucking care if I still lay eggs.  Because I’ve evolved canine teeth.  Which is so bad-ass.  And also, I have this fucking BACK SAIL which is so totally rad.”

“Yeah!  A back sail.  For realz.  And, like, I can use it to regulate my body temperature and shit.  But mostly it just looks awesome.  My back sail is so fucking hot.”

Dinosaur of the Day: Parasaurolophus!

Parasaurolophus is the one with the duck bill.  And the funny thing sticking out of its head.  Scientists used to think the head crest was a snorkel, but then decided that was stupid, and now seem to think it was used to make noise.  And it sounded like a foghorn.  So, like, imagine having a bassoon growing out of your face.  That sounds awesome.

“It can be difficult, you know, living the life of an artist.  Relying only on the goodwill of the herd to support me.  But it’s really the only option that I have if I want to be able to focus on my music,” said Milton, a young Parasaurolophus intent on pursuing a musical career.  “Any Parasaur can hit a few notes on their cranial crest.  But that’s not art.  To be a true artist, you need to have soul.  You need to have heart.  I like to think that my music has both of those things.  That it speaks authentically, not just of the Parasaurian condition, but also on a universal level.  I know I don’t have a huge audience, but I really don’t care.  I would sooner remain true to my artistic vision than sell out to appeal to plebeian Brontosaurs and Allosaurs.  The point is not to cater to the public’s wishes.  We are making irreversible, necessary progress towards music that is thrilling and new.  But everyone knows that genius is rarely appreciated until after the fact and I look forward to my posthumous fame. Parasaur head crest orchestras will be playing my symphonies to sell-out crowds long after I am a fossil.  And their audiences will finally see my music for what it truly is:  a prehistoric universal language.”